Part 9 - Januray 2013

Snowy slope

As the Christmas break drew to a close, we felt like having an adventure despite the awful drizzly weather (and the car needed a run) so we went on a fruitless search for the singing ringing tree.  According to the tourism leaflet, it is located just before Burnley but we could see no sign of it and ended up getting lost in an unfamiliar and hostile landscape. Thanks to GPS, we had a strange tour of the (not so) small towns of the Lancs. border trying to find the way back.  This entailed 30 miles driving and I found it very stressful not knowing where I was a lot of the time, which meant it was fraught in places. 

Things stayed miserable that week, inside and out.  I felt quite depressed as well as tired. Nevertheless, I made an effort to carry on with the day to day stuff and also finished my tree painting from art class but decided I liked my prototype better. At the weekend we got some spring bulbs and seeds form the garden centre and did our best to rescue the garden after the mess that Yorkshire water had made of it – they had nicked loads of our stones and re-filled the garden with absolute rubbish complete with mystery pieces of plastic so we added some topsoil along with the bulbs and seeds.

My sleeping was terrible with frequent waking. The return of hot flushes and my partner’s coughing as he was getting over another cold, added to the usual problems. Despite using quiet life or Temazepam most nights, I had little respite.  The horrible Monday feeling had returned with a vengeance as well.  The endless dull grey damp weather didn’t help and I felt like I was suffering from a combination of Monday blues and January blues but more so.

At the start of the second week of January I had a response to my grievance. Only a couple of points had been upheld, while most were either ‘not upheld’ or ‘partly upheld’.  Not only had they not backed up their decisions with proper evidence or spelled out what they were going to do to rectify matters, but they had also managed to bring in new information and twist things again and were still not taking any responsibility for me being ill.

What made it even worse was that although they had seemed open to the idea of a compromise agreement, they were now prevaricating and dragging the process out again instead of admitting their mistakes. Also, the report was very badly written (I decided that they were all a bunch of illiterate idiots). After chatting to my partner and checking the company policy I decided to appeal against their decisions.  I rang the Union for some advice and as usual, had to wait ages for them to ring me back.

I really couldn’t focus on anything else and felt that I needed to do something pro-active so I started drafting a letter to appeal against the grievance decisions.  I looked at the ACAS website and rang the administrator at work to clarify a couple of things.  The Union Rep eventually rang back at 7.30 p.m. and I said that while I understood why he rang so late, it was very stressful for me to have to wait all day for a call back and asked if he could try ringing a bit earlier in future.  As usual, I wasn’t sure the conversation was much use as I knew about the same amount as him from the ACAS website but I needed to keep him on side as it was all I had. After I spoke to him I amended the draft letter and sent it to him to look at.  I was absolutely exhausted from having to deal with that shit late into the evening. My Head was totally done in!  I Realised I had been really hyper all day but managed to calm myself down a bit for the evening by using some breathing techniques and playing games.

Later in the week there was an e-mail reply off the administrator regarding some of my queries but one of the points made no sense at all so I was forced to ask for more clarification. She also told me that I was now down to half pay and gave me a suggested date for my appeal hearing so I e-mailed the Union Rep to see if he could make it.  Later that day, I had a session with the Counsellor and again, I wasn’t sure how helpful it was but at least it was someone to listen to me and explain some of things I was feeling.  We talked about the lack of sleeping still and she said it was to do with the adrenaline and I needed to look after myself so I didn’t get burn out.  Easy for her to say, I thought.  I was getting back into my yoga though after my Christmas break and trying out some games on the Xbox to help me increase my activity levels.

The following weekend we managed some walking and a few pints, before the weather turned again. On the Sunday I was out of the house for 8 hours in one go, which was almost a record since my mental illness started; I was pleased about this but it made me very tired. Not that it helped with the sleeping so I was still exhausted the next day. Snow had fallen during the night making everything look quite picturesque, but it was not enough to stop the trains running so my partner still had to go into work. 

A snowy canal

I phoned the doctors to chat about my lack of sleeping again.  They failed to come up with any stunning new suggestions to help and wondered if I would like anti-depressants and I said not really but they said they’d leave some information at reception for me. They did say I could up my does of Temazepam to two at night if I felt I was building up a tolerance. I also had an idea to send a medical report with my appeal letter and I asked if I could get one if needed. They told me that it was unusual for the patient to request one, as this was usually done by the employer or Union so I made an amendment to my appeal letter saying they could have a medical report on request.

Later, I went to the doctors to pick up the information and then went to see a friend I hadn’t seen in ages and told her my tale and she told me about what had happened to her a few years ago which was quite similar to my experience (and she now suffers from depression).  Again I thought, there’s far too much of this about! She agreed with me about not wanting to take anti-depressants. Her husband arrived home from work and she gave him a précis of my situation and he agreed it was a load of rubbish.  He asked me who my employer was and when I wouldn’t tell him as he is a manager in the same field, he guessed!  In his words, my boss had ‘shat on them’ when he worked for a partner organisation about 10 years ago. Well, that tells us a lot, doesn’t it?

That night I took two Temazepam as the doctor had suggested and literally couldn’t keep my eyes open when trying to read.  I fell asleep really quick and slept much better than I had for weeks although I still woke a few times.

Later in the week, my Union Rep replied to my message very late at night and said something I didn’t understand about writing to the Chair about a compromise agreement; I e-mailed back for clarity and had a chat to my partner and looked at the CAB and ACAS websites but got even more confused.  I decided that the best thing to do was to go ahead with the appeal stage and then if we still couldn’t agree, consider going to ACAS, but I still needed further clarity on what that would entail. 

I tried diverting myself with dance and art. I went to a new beginner’s dance class as suggested by the teacher.  There were only three of us – a fairly elderly couple who couldn’t remember more than two steps at once, and me. It was excruciatingly slow and far too basic for me. Although the other class I attended was meant to be intermediate, some of the group were pretty advanced and it could move on a bit fast. But on reflection I thought it was better to try and keep up with them rather than carry on with the slow class, which felt like a backward step (no pun intended) so I started practicing on my own in-between classes with the help of an Anthony Burke DVD.

The theme for the art course that term was Expressionism and at the first class we did charcoal drawings –placing ordinary objects in a strange context and turning them into something sinister.  I drew a G Clamp and a spanner on a beach entitled ‘my only vice is the fantastic prices I charge for being eaten alive!’ (Another one for you Steve Harley fans!)  My art friend gave me a lift back and we decided not to talk about shit that was going on for both of us.

That week when the counsellor rang we talked about how rubbish I was feeling and how it was hard to cope with all this uncertainty and lack of conclusion, and that I had hoped to have a resolution by this time but now it looked like it was going to drag out even more and it was really getting me down.  We agreed to put the next session (which was to be my last one) off a couple of weeks so we could discuss the fallout from the appeal meeting which had now been set for the end of the month (for really late in the day which added to my anxiety as I was worried about how I would cope without my siesta).

The following week it was even colder and snowed some more. Unfortunately though, Leeds was not shut and the trains were still running so my partner had to struggle into work for the second freezing Monday in a row.  Some kids off our street were chucking snowballs at the window which was okay at first until one the size of a boulder hit the window. I went to the door to look out and spotted the kids walking away so I shouted down the road and told them I didn’t mind them playing but throwing boulders was stupid and might break something. Later, they put a note through the door apologising for their behaviour which was sweet and cheered me up a bit.

Snow person and snow dog

I went round to see a friend and we had a bit of a snowball fight and went sledging with some kids (well, I just had a laugh watching the kids play, especially the bigger boys making a ski ramp and failing to execute jumps which was entertaining).  The snow and ice made our street treacherous as usual but bizarrely, someone put some grit down which I had never known to happen in the past – no idea who did it and they only did the road not the pavement so not much help in the dark but still weird.

Snowy trees

Later that week, I literally could not sleep a wink.  I resorted to getting up during the night and trying to think things through but it didn’t help at all.  I got quite upset and my partner woke up and asked me what was wrong and then said stop worrying about it which of course made it worse as I did try lots of different tricks to relax – I didn’t just lie there thinking ‘I can’t sleep’!  One morning I just burst into tears and I came out with loads of stuff that I had been bottling up for the past two weeks which was really doing my head in.  

 He said why don’t I ‘just resign’ if it was causing me that much stress which made me even more angry and upset as we had talked about this before and I repeated that if I left now, I would not feel better overnight and I had to see this thing through for my own sanity even though it was very difficult, and I needed his support. 

I had arranged to go to the Union’s office to discuss my appeal but I was extremely apprehensive about going down the still icy street and despite the gritting and clearing, the pavements and steps were still pretty lethal.  My partner cleared some ice off the steps and we put some sand down but I still didn’t feel safe trying to navigate in the tundra-like conditions so I rang the Union to arrange to conduct the meeting over the phone instead.

I wondered if the Temazepam was working at all at this time, so I rang the doctors and they suggested using antihistamines that have a sedative effect.  I went to pick a prescription up but when I got to the chemist, it turned out to be loads cheaper to buy them over the counter. I also did some research into aromatherapy oils that were meant to help with sleep and looked at information on Bach flower remedies but didn’t understand it. 

I felt so exhausted and very sad because me and my partner had a row and I hated that, and the fact that he still didn’t seem to know what to say to make me feel better.  I knew I didn’t make it easy for him but that wasn’t deliberate. I also kept feeling like I was coming down with a virus but it never developed properly, and just made me feel even more crap.

I went round to see my neighbours who had experience and knowledge which was relevant to what I was going through.  We had a very useful chat and they made me realise that I needed to be more assertive with the Union and take more control of the situation myself.  The conversation helped me to come up with a strategy for the meeting the following week and I composed an e-mail to the Union Rep telling him to basically up his game and asking them to provide me with some proper legal advice now rather than later. 

 

Snowy steps

On the Friday it snowed some more and a friend came round for food and film watching and she was ridiculously excited by the snow that had just started properly and kept looking out of the window and texting her partner.  I was more moderate in my joy; I said I would be happy when everyone got home safely.  I was thinking of my partner and other friends stuck trying to get back from work.  My partner arrived home at 11.45 having left Leeds at 6, getting dumped off the train and walking the last 7 miles! 

The next day was actually sunny so we went out to walk in the snow and got some nice photos even though it was already melting.  After, we went into town and met a friend for lunch then went for a drink with another friend whose birthday it was.  That weekend, we also booked a holiday in March for my partner’s birthday.

Snowy pike

The following week I was preoccupied by the imminent grievance appeal hearing. I didn’t get to speak to the Union Rep again until the day before even though he’d had plenty of time to read my notes and get back to me. We had a bit more discussion about strategy but he had nothing new to offer and he managed to annoy me again, mainly because I had to repeat everything several times and I felt we were going round in circles.  However, he did say he would do what I said and be more pro-active in supporting me.  

On the day of the dreaded hearing, I met the Rep a few minutes before the appointment time but it was just going over old ground again. Knowing I had prepared well, I felt a bit more hopeful at the start of the meeting and got lots of my points across with the help of my notes even though it was hard. But then I got very irritated by their stupid questions about my boss ‘foreseeing’ what would happen.  This seemed to be their main argument; that because she couldn’t have predicted the effect her actions would have on me, they hadn’t done anything wrong. But I had never claimed that there were malicious intentions. I had simply been trying to get them to admit how badly they had dealt with the whole situation from the start and admit their mistakes. But they just responded with yet more denial!  I had a strong sense that their solicitors and advised them to pursue this argument as a way of refuting any responsibility for my situation.

The Rep had reverted to type and hardly said a word which really got on my nerves after everything I had said about him needing to support me more actively, to which he had apparently agreed.  I almost lost it at one point but managed to pull it back and carried on. At the end of the meeting, it was me and not the Rep as it should have been, who had to ask when we could expect a response.  They promised a letter within five working days

I met my partner after and he took me to dinner en route home which was nice but I was completely drained and almost fell asleep on my pudding!  We did talk properly for once though and he told me about what was happening at his work.  I knew there was a lot going on for him, but he rarely spoke about it so it was good to have an opportunity to get an update. 

Despite my exhaustion, I didn’t sleep at all that night.  My mind was churning with all sorts of stuff and amongst other things, I realised that I needed to sack that idiot Rep. Not only was he apparently incapable of providing me with active support, he had also ignored my request for some proper legal advice – my employers were obviously talking to solicitors so why wasn’t my Union?  I felt like I had to do all the thinking which begged the question what on earth were these people for? He had given me the branch manager’s name so I decided I would get in touch with them and see what else, if anything, they could offer me.

I felt really crap the next day – I was utterly exhausted, depressed, sad, frustrated, and like I was in limbo again.  I tried to forget about it all but it was extremely difficult and not knowing when it would come to an end made it even worse.  This situation was to continue for some time to come...