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| Spring at last! |
As
it was Easter week, there were no art or dance classes to distract me so I
thought I might as well try and move things along and wrote a message to the
Union Rep. He eventually e-mailed me back saying that he had sent a message to
my employer and was waiting for a reply. I felt very down and had quite a big
think through of stuff and decided that I couldn’t go to a meeting with my boss
(the thought of it made me feel physically sick). I tried to stay
positive and told myself that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do
and they couldn’t make me go to meetings if I was too ill. In the end, I
reasoned, it came down to either separating amicably or not amicably – it was
their choice. Despite these attempts to be logical I couldn’t stop
feeling anxious and I was literally sick of it all. I felt mentally and
physically exhausted and I just wanted an end to it.
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| The original picture that ‘summed up Facebook’ |
There
was some light relief however, mainly in the shape of having a laugh at the
stupid new social class definitions (now 7 apparently) and my partner started a
series of funny political satire montage pictures of politicians with the
grumpy cat (an internet phenomenon from Phoenix, Arizona), starting with Ian
Duncan Smith,(IDS) which he felt ‘summed up facebook’.
I also managed to
do bit of art outside of class including starting a collage (second in my
planned series of three – a triptych as I believe it’s called in the art world)
and gouging out my giraffe picture for a lino print which I planned to be able
to finish at some point when term started again.
At
last the winter seemed to be thawing and we did some walking out in the woods.
There was still a lot of black bleakness about but also signs of life were visible.
It did for my car battery though - a combination of my mental condition making
it difficult to drive due to anxiety, being ill with viruses and the cold
weather, had taken its inevitable toll. I made an effort to use the car a bit, but
it was difficult to invent reasons that didn’t involve driving to shops and
spending money.
More
fun was derived by the glorious news on 8th April that the wicked
witch (AKA Lady Margaret Thatcher) was dead. When I heard this news on
the car radio, I actually cheered! Then I thought, ‘why am I so happy
about this? She has been old and doddery for ages’ but I couldn’t help myself.
When I got home there was extended news on BBC1 and Ravey Davey said she had
‘fixed this country’ or some shit – what a tosser!
Earlier, on the radio
I heard IDS say she was the reason he’d gone into politics. So there’s 2
more reasons to hate the evil bitch as if we needed any more. My partner
texted from work that we should go for a drink to celebrate. He had
posted loads of stuff on Facebook including a new Thatcher /grumpy cat picture
(as had many others). It was indeed a day for celebration for lefties!
I resisted the urge to dash out the door and go to the pub immediately
and instead, waited to meet my partner. He had made a special effort to
be home at a reasonable hour to mark the occasion and we went to the local
leftie club where a fair few people were in the bar and we chatted to various
friends and acquaintances.
That
night, I hardly slept at all. I woke up loads and had a sore throat again
to add to my usual woes. When I went downstairs the next morning, I had
missed a call from the Union Rep so I rang him back then had to wait for him to
ring me back again. In the meantime, I checked some company policies and
wrote a ‘position statement’ saying that I was only
willing to enter discussions with my employer if they accepted the fundamental
fact that I was unable to return to the workplace due to the effect that the
process was having on my mental and emotional health. I also spelled out
the choice between an amicable or a non-amicable parting of ways and said that
if they couldn’t agree to this as a basis for discussion, I wanted them to
involve ACAS in line with their grievance procedure.
The
next day the pain in my throat had spread to my mouth and face and was
progressing to my nose so I wondered if it was a recurrence of the sinus virus
thing I had the previous month. I was using Beechams and mouth spray and
gargling in a bid to nip it in the bud. The next day the sore throat had
died down a bit although pain was still going into my ear and nose and I dug
out the nasal spray the doctor had prescribed during my last bout of illness.We
had booked travel tickets for a weekend in London so I struggled on and managed
to get sorted and get on the train. We had a bit of a faff with the tickets and
realised they hadn’t sent seat reservation coupons for the return journey so we
rang them and they gave us a reference number to get a coupon out of the
machine at the station. But when we got to Kings Cross and tried to get the
coupon out of the machine, it was having none of it so we had to queue at the ticket
office for half an hour.
By
then, it was a bit late to visit a gallery as we had planned so we walked
to Soho and went in Bradley’s Bar (ace little Spanish bar down a side street)
and had a couple of drinks. We met my sister and went back to her house
for chilli and wine and updated each other briefly about different stresses –
my crap and her husband leaving and we talked about Mum. The next day we
went to some museums, with far too much walking in between as usual. Then we
met my sister in Southwark for some over-priced gourmet food then walked along
the South Bank and ended up in the Globe bar for a couple which was really
nice. It was a very long day for me. I was exhausted and I managed a
whole 5 hours' sleep in one go that night, which was good but still not enough.
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| View from the cable Car, Thames at North Greenwich |
On
the Saturday my sister had a regular exercise class to go to, so we arranged to
meet up with her after that and in the meantime we went to North Greenwich to
go on the Emirates cable car (some Olympic nonsense) which was naff but a
laugh. There is absolutely nothing to see on the other side so we just
walked on the dockside a bit then went back and onto Greenwich to meet my
sister at the Cutty Sark which is a bit pricey but a lot more interesting
than I was expecting and they have done a really good job of restoring
it. After that we had a very good pub lunch and then had a peak in the
chapel and Painted Hall in the Naval College (it’s a thing alright). By this
time the weather had taken a turn for the worse and I felt knackered again, so
we went back to the house.
On
the Sunday morning we had to return home, which was a shame as the weather had
turned sunny, but unfortunately we needed to be back before Monday and we
hadn’t been able to find any cheap fares for later in the day. I enjoyed
going to London but it was very tiring especially the Friday – 13 hours out in
one go! And I had that awful sinus virus all weekend. I reflected
on how I managed to get up and come round earlier in the mornings and do lots
of things when I’m away from home, and came to the conclusion that it was a lot
to do with it being true escapism with lots of distractions. Then as soon
as I got back it was ‘business as usual’ and I had to deal with the shit
still. Also, all the activity was great but very knackering and I just
wanted to collapse in a heap when I got home. Still, I preferred to go
away and be really tired at the end of it rather than just stay at home all the
time and be constantly faced with the everyday humdrum stuff.
The
day after our return home I went to the doctors. I got a sick note for another
month and I put a letter in with it before posting it to my boss saying I was
still consulting with my Union before responding to her request to attend a
meeting. Then I met a friend in the park and sat in the sun and chatted
about London (they’d been down the week after Easter) and I gave her a brief
update on my situation. Also that week, I had a check-up at the dentist
and everything was okay except I got the inevitable telling off about smoking
and bleeding gums (which they weren’t) even though I told him not to bother
with the lecture because I was ill with stress and therefore not giving
up.
Art
class re-started and during the first session we did still lifes of a mushroom,
egg and garlic lit by a tealight. This was quite difficult but I was pleased
with my effort, especially the mushroom. Despite this positive experience, that
night sleep was even harder to come by. It was literally blowing a gale outside
but I was not sure if this made things any worse for me as I was due to go to
the Union’s offices for a meeting the next day which I was quite anxious
about.
I
met with my Union Rep and his manager (who I had spoken to early in the saga)
as arranged and tried not to get too frustrated by having to re-live aspects of
my ordeal yet again and having to re-iterate that there was no way in hell I
could go back to my job. After a lot of chat, they agreed to formally ask
my employers for a compromise agreement, so I was encouraged that at least they
seemed to be doing something pro-active. Back at home, I did a rough
calculation of my potential redundancy pay as I thought their calculations were
too low and sent it to them. As usual, it took them ages to get back to
me again so in the meantime I tried, yet again, to keep busy with other things.
I
distracted myself from the rubbish by doing more art and worked on the
expressionist landscape painting that I’d started before Easter. My partner
continued to amuse with his grumpy cat pictures – the latest efforts including
Nick Clegg and Michael Gove (the Doof had declared that schools should be open
from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. and have no holidays. Yeah, that’ll work!)
I
was also inspired to get outside more in the early spring sunshine by seeing
one of my neighbours doing some long-talked about work on the ‘community
garden’. I found various old packets of seeds that were lying around to
plant in the garden and I had some free plug-in plants to pot up ready to go
outside. On the Saturday, we made the most of the sun while it lasted and
walked through the woods up to the tops and went to an art exhibition. My art
friend had some paintings on display which was nice to see, and we met her
after for a pub lunch.
My
crap Monday feeling returned with a vengeance later in April and I reflected
that I had not had a normal Monday for weeks due to being away or it being a
bank holiday or being ill in bed with a virus so I had forgotten what it was
like. I felt worn out and depressed and I really had to push myself not
to wallow in bed all morning but I did manage it. I kept myself busy visiting
friends, doing more gardening, cleaning up outside and going to the tip (I took
some stuff for my neighbours working on the community garden to help out seeing
as I was too weak to do digging).
I
also made some attempts at working up money-making schemes that didn’t involve
actually working. I tried to start thinking about setting up a website to sell
things and started coming up with some designs. I needed to sort out ways
of getting stuff printed cheap and I did register with Café Press but then got
stuck on the templates which I didn’t understand. I asked my partner to
help but they were a mystery to him too. However, my efforts inspired him to
design his own website which of course looked gorgeous while I was no further
on with mine – typical! Although I felt like my creative ideas were
getting a bit less vague there was still a long way to go and I found it hard
to come up with strategies for making them work because my brain was still
couldn’t cope with that sort of thing.
The
end of April was changeable but there was some bright and warm weather, and
even sunny enough to sit outside at times which felt amazing after the long,
cold winter. I just wished I could really enjoy it and put all the crap
behind me. But there was still some way to go before I reached that
point.
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| Mushroom still life |
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