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| Pumpkin head |
On
the Saturday, I was a bit sad the local fireworks display was not happening but
to be honest, the weather was so crap we probably would have decided not to go
anyway. However, I was glad that we
didn’t go to Lancaster as the forecast for t’other side of Pennines was worse
and you could tell the storm which hit us Saturday evening and come from that
direction. Instead, I entertained myself
with virtual fireworks on the ipad.
We
went for a wander round town and called round to some friends on spec. my
partner had been asked to photograph a wedding and I suggested he speak to her but
there was no answer. We went for a pub lunch and our photography friend messaged
back and suggested that she and my partner did the wedding shoot together which
I thought was an excellent idea. On the way
home, there was an awesome thunderstorm and we got indoors just in time to
dodge a hailstorm before the storm passed.
On
Sunday morning, the sun was almost blinding early on then became a lot more
elusive to be replaced by intermittent wind and rain. I wanted to give the car a run but it
wouldn’t start, so we went for a walk and took some photos instead. In the evening, the temperature really
dropped presaging the first frost of autumn.
Well, about time too I thought; we needed it to get rid of all the germs
and flies that were still buzzing around.
I
was annoyed about the car and I was pretty sure it was a flat battery which had
only been purchased a few month earlier, but I was not totally surprised as I get
weird premonitions sometimes which I do try to ignore. As it turned out, my latest one was dead
accurate. It also partly explained why I
was apprehensive the day before. We had
talked about driving to Wakefield for an exhibition but I had a really bad
feeling when I contemplated the prospect. I wasn’t using the car enough since
stopping work and when I planned to go for a drive, I was often thwarted by bad
weather and/or illness. I had a chat with my partner about my concerns and said
that I was considering getting rid of the car.
He said he would run the engine for me over winter if I was ill which was
helpful.
So,
the Monday was dominated by car hassle, which was very time-consuming and
stressful. I rang the RAC who said they
would be about three hours and I made a start on my blog entry for that week
while I was waiting, but I kept being interrupted by the RAC ringing me with
pointless updates.
When
the RAC man got here, he succeeded in starting the car but then the dashboard
was displaying a message saying that there was a parking brake fault which he
said was probably because of the battery being flat and he told me to run the
engine for half an hour then take it to the garage to have the battery tested
properly. I rang the garage and they
said to come down but I couldn’t get the parking brake off even when I tried
manual release, and there were warning lights and beeps going off in a very
alarming fashion. I rang the garage again
and tried various tricks to release the brake but to no avail. I was told that normally they would advise
turning the engine off and on again but if I had a flat battery that might not
be a good idea. They then said that there
was an emergency brake release in the boot and gave me instructions on what to
do.
I
was very nervous trying this by myself so I rang the RAC again to get them to
take me to the garage. In the meantime, I
contemplated releasing the brake myself so I emptied the boot and found the
release lever, but I got nervous again as it required putting the car in first gear. There was a Golf parked quite close in front
of my car and I had visions of shunting straight into it!
I
knocked on a kind neighbour’s house and they volunteered to help me and I got a
couple of bricks to put under the front wheel but I was still worried about
trying it with a car parked so close. My
neighbour had the bright idea of ringing doorbells to find out who owned the Golf
and we found out it belonged to a Guardianista who lived in one of the large
houses so we knocked on their door.
There was no answer which was weird as there was a chimney sweep van
parked outside and I thought I saw someone going inside shortly before. In the end, I said I would wait for the
RAC. Then, I decided to turn the engine
off as it had been running for two hours by this time and lo! When I turned it back on, the car started
straight away and the brake came off!
While
I was driving to the garage, I reflected on what a lovely day it was (bright
and sunny after the first overnight frost of the autumn) and if I wasn’t so
stressed out, I would have quite enjoyed the drive. At the garage, I had a bit
of a vexation with the guy I had spoken to on the phone. He wanted me to go away and return on Thursday
and then suggested I come back at 5.30!
I was so mentally exhausted by then that I couldn’t think straight, but I
managed to convey that I couldn’t cope with coming back again later that day
and in the end he agreed that I could leave the car there so they could fit it
in around other work, even if that wasn’t until the end of the week. When I got home I was shattered and ready to
collapse.
As
it happened, the garage rang the next morning and told me that the car battery
had been checked and tested and there was nothing wrong with it so later on I
went to collect it. It seemed fine and I took the opportunity to drive to the
next town and get some supplies. That
evening I rang my Mum and had quite a long chat about her upcoming consultant appointment. Then I texted a friend and arranged to go out
on Friday. I felt very weary and my condition was not helped by the fact that I
appeared to be having a period, which was rather disconcerting as I had not had
one for eighteen months. This was
followed by an odd night, with weird dreams that were just fuzzy images in the
morning (which had become a bit of a feature of my head jumble of late).
The
next day we had a laugh about the crack head mayor from Toronto. Best quote ‘I
was in one of my drunken stupors’. He
also said he needed to see the video evidence because ‘I want to see what state
I was in’. What a hoot! I received a letter from the dole saying that
my sick note ran out that week and I had a bit of a panic as I thought it was
the week after so I rang the doctors to get a new one. I also filled in my ATOS questionnaire. This took quite a while and I had to draft
out some answers but it felt okay when I’d finished.
At
art class that evening we planned our personal projects. The art tutor talked too much as usual, then
we discussed our ideas with each other.
I started some sketches for my planned collage. I also talked a lot to my new pal about our
ideas, as well as crows, Starling murmurations, and her lovely new printing
book.
That
night, I felt very tired, but in a different way to usual. I was feeling quite feeble (although I hadn’t
felt too bad during the day) and reflected on how many different sorts of tired
there were and I had forgotten about the special weariness caused by the time
of the month. The next morning I felt
really grotty and I wasn’t sure I could get up out of bed but I needed to
collect the sick note from the doctors.
On the way back, I popped into the newsagents and noticed a friend of
mine had an interview in the local rag.
It was a really good piece, and I posted her a message of support on her
facebook wall.
I
rang my Mum again to see how she got on with the consultant. Apparently he was very optimistic and we
talked about the drugs she is on, and Awakenings. I said I would buy her the book for Christmas
and she said could she have it straight away; it’s true about old people
regressing back to being kids!
On
the Friday I felt quite a lot better. We
were amused by 15 scary toys, especially the avenging narwhal which I decided I
wanted. I later found out that you can’t get it anymore except
by dodgy means from the states and I did consider asking an old mate in
California to send me one but realised that was daft.
In
the evening, I met my friend as planned for some pub grub and we caught up on each
other’s news. I asked her about her
weekly walks with an ex-boyfriend but she was insistent there was nothing going
on but friendship. We went onto another
pub and my partner came to join us straight from work. My friend left to catch a bus and we stayed
for a couple more drinks and talked about all sorts as usual after a few pints
(Not for the first time, I reflected that it is funny how we talk more in the pub
than at home).
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| Autumnal woods |
The
following day was spent mainly in the kitchen.
I did some baking and mixed ingredients for mincemeat and we
collaborated to make pickled shallots with garlic. On Sunday morning, the sound of chainsaws indicated
that the dead tree in our kind neighbours’ garden was finally being chopped down
after years of prevarication by the landlady.
It was a bright morning and the sun looked like it was going to stick
around so we went out to take photos of autumnal trees. We wandered up to some nearby woods and were
planning to follow the tree line but instead we took a path uphill and walked
along the tops for a while before coming back down through another woods. It was very pretty but terribly muddy and
slow, especially the top bit and I had forgotten just how awful the boggy field
can be! When we got home, we saw our
kind neighbours outside and chatted about the tree felling and the car episode
(I had been meaning to say thanks for her trying to help me at the start of the
week).
The
following week started in a mundane fashion, although I did get into doing high
impact exercises which are meant to energise and burn calories very
efficiently, and on a shopping trip, I found some exotic foods in the 99p store
in Halifax! On the Wednesday I visited
one of my good friends for a chat and got onto the subject of the weird times
of not long ago when it was acceptable to drink and smoke at work. I got back home in time for my IAPT telephone
appointment which was the same old nonsense as last time and really got on my
nerves. He kept trying to get me interested
in some stupid course but when it was patently obvious there was no way I was
going to agree to that, he told me about the one-to-one counselling they could
offer. I looked this up on the internet
later and found out the place they use is in Ovenden which I was not right keen
on so I searched for other places.
Depending on what IAPT were prepared to offer when they rang me back on
Friday, I also considered trying the Women’s centre.
At
art class we worked on our personal projects.
I was going to buy canvas boards off the art tutor for my collage but
they were too big so set about making me some stretched paper on plywood. This was very nice of him but I had to wait
the whole session for it to dry. In the
meantime, I did a bit of sketching and made template shapes for my collage. Later
in the week, I started cutting out the shapes in different papers. The craft theme continued into Thursday
evening as I attended a second workshop at the bead shop to get help threading
some silver beads. I also did some work
on my Christmas card design.
At
night, I realised I had been really anxious since the call from IAPT and I took
some quiet life pills (I hadn’t done this for a while but felt I needed something
to help me relax). IAPT rang me back as
promised on the Friday morning and offered me psychotherapy which I was
pleasantly surprise about and reckoned it might help me more than counselling.
Later
on, I went to do some errands and I saw my art neighbour and we chatted about
art and she gave me the lowdown on the sale of the house they rent. Apparently, there were rumours that work had started
on the mill again and consequently the people who were buying the house had pulled
out.
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| Waiting for The Orb |
On
Friday evening we went to The Orb 25th anniversary tour gig. The place was almost empty when we got there
so we took photos of the lighting and projections and tried to drink a pint but
it was horrid. I gave up on mine and
bought bottles of bud instead which were almost twice the price but worth it to
not have bad guts later. The Orb came on at 10 o’clock and played for exactly
one hour – what a rip off! Nowhere near as good as when we saw them at a
festival in the summer! We retired to
the bar and saw some mates who thought the band were coming on at 11.30, so my
partner went to check even though we knew they probably weren’t as they had
unplugged all their machines and the awful disco had started. We went onto a pub to see our friend’s
band. Everyone appeared to be drunk apart
from us, and we were amused by a couple who kept saying they had lost stuff such
as phones and then finding them down their bras and things.
I
was extremely tired on the Saturday and we did baking again and then ate our
products - fresh bread and pie - for lunch which was nice. That night, I slept eight hours though not in
one go. It was still dark and grey the
next morning so I slept in a bit. We
took the car for a run and went to TK Maxx for winter jumpers and then to the
Range for some household items and craft supplies. My partner was messing about with the trolley
and banged into an old man who screamed in a very overly-dramatic manner as if
his leg had been chopped off. I had to run and hide up a side aisle I was laughing
so much.
Just
after I parked up at home, the rear windows on the car started doing weird
stuff and we spent ages trying to get them to go up again, to no avail. We had a think about what to do and looked at
some forums on the internet and worked out that we might need to do some fuse
trickery but it was too dark, so I covered the windows up as best I could. I was really fed up with the car stress and seriously
considered getting rid of it again, as it would be at least one less thing to
worry about.
When
I tried to sleep that night, car nonsense was going round in my head. I tried
to tell myself fretting was daft. After
all, I had decided I might get rid of the car so why worry? I did some relaxation and eventually slept
but had an unsettled night with a weird dream in which I went back to work and it
was as if nothing had changed and no-one noticed I had been gone over a year,
then I realised it was a mistake to go back and left. When I thought about it in the morning, I
wondered if it was telling me that they had moved on and I hadn’t which was a painful
message, although I felt that I was getting there.
During
the week I tried various tricks to get the car windows to go back up but they
just wouldn’t budge and my partner said he would help me with it at the weekend
so I tried not to fret about it. At the
start of the week I was even more tired than usual and I really felt like staying
in bed, but it was a lovely sunny day and I made a huge effort to motivate
myself to get up and get on with stuff.
I had a bit of a think through why I felt particularly awful and
although I originally believed it was triggered by the car problems, I was
puzzled as to why that was upsetting me so much. I came to the conclusion it was a symptom of depression
and I just needed to stay positive and keep doing stuff even when I didn’t feel
like it. I carried on with my blog and
my high impact exercise regime and also did some more work on my collage. However, I did not attend art class that week
as it was a life drawing session which I just don’t like so I decided to carry
on with my own project.
My
friend with the interesting ailments came to see me on the Friday. She wasn’t feeling well again and thought she
might have sinusitis so I kept my distance and told her to get some
antibiotics. I gave her a British nature
wall-chart from the OU for her son and arranged for her to come again the same
time next week
The
following weekend we tinkered with the car again. We managed to get one window to shut by using
a trick we learnt from a boring internet forum which involved taking the fuse
out and putting it back in again, but the other window was still stuck in the
down position. I ran the car engine for
a while to dry it out and got rid of some crud out of the window seals and
covered the remaining window up again. My
partner found another idea to try which entailed taking the car door to bits
but we felt this was a bit risky. Instead, I said I would phone the garage on
Monday for some advice.
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| Fantastic dinosaur art |
On the Saturday night, we went out to an Italian
restaurant with my art friend. All the
food was good (though both she and my partner had too much cheese which I had
cleverly avoided). We compared recent
ailments (my sinusitis and her kidney infection) and art courses (she had
packed hers in) amongst other stuff.
After, we walked through the square and marvelled at the huge Christmas tree
then went to the wine bar for a couple of drinks.
I took photos of the kid’s
drawings of dinosaurs (the best art I’d ever seen in that place) and chatted to
a woman who works there and likes horror films about our idea for a zombie
flick set in a drunken city centre which
she thought was a real goer.
The
following week, I saw the doctor and as I was updating her on my condition, I realised
that I hadn’t heard from IAPT and she suggested chasing them up. I phoned them later in the week and lo and
behold, a letter arrived two days’ later.
The letter said that I had an appointment for a CBT assessment in
April. I was a bit annoyed as I hadn’t
realised that psychotherapy meant CBT which I do have a bit of a problem
with. Furthermore, the appointment was
set for five months time and that was just for the initial assessment! What a pile of crap!
On
the creative front, at art class the tutor gave me some ideas for making textured
papers for my collage and I used wire mesh and a doily as printing stencils. Later
that week, I started writing a funny piece about Christmas adverts, an idea I’d
had for a while.
On
Thursday evening, I went for a drink with a friend. My partner arrived straight from work at about
8.30 and was in a bit of state as he’d had a barny with his boss but he managed
to calm down a bit after a drink and we chatted about all sorts of stuff as
usual.
At
the weekend, we visited the Open Studios. We conversed with some of our artist
friends one of whom needed some photos of her work doing so my partner said he would
do them for her. I felt like I was
getting a cold again at the end of the month and started to feel really fed up
that even when I made a huge effort to be active and stay positive I was
thwarted by problems!
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