Part 21 - January 2014

Tiny moss on the canal bridge

2014 started in a subdued manner.  I was so tired on New Year’s Day that I was tempted to go to bed about 5 p.m. but as we’d had a late start, I made an effort to stay up.  I started a review of ‘films watched 2013’ but my eyes started swimming so I gave up. In the evening we thought we should toast the New Year and drank a bottle of Prosecco.

The following day was fine and quite bright.  It was the last day of my partner’s holiday and we were keen to take in some fresh air after all the social activity. We set off on a pleasant walk and took lots of photos including some of the sun setting over the sewage works and I continued my theme of 'tiny worlds'.  On the way back, we stopped at the pub on the canal.  We decided to eat there but when my partner went to the bar to order, he was told we had to wait an hour until they started serving food again (typical Yorkshire hospitality).   

Tiny crevace

My partner spotted our walking friends at the other end of the pub who had also been for a walk of course and were also waiting for food so we invited them over.  It was her birthday and they were already a bit half cut which made for some quite amusing conversation. 

Back home, we settled down to watch telly but five minutes into Eastenders, we decided it had got too nasty and sordid recently and watched DVDs instead. That new family appear downright unsavoury (although I have gathered from social media that they are very popular, especially the Danny Dyer character but I cannot fathom why).  I declared I was never going to watch that programme ever again (a promise I have so far kept).

At the weekend we got rid of the Christmas tree which was a bit of a trial.  Seeing as the nearby tip was still shut, we had to travel a few miles to the nearest one. We set off quite early in the afternoon as the weather prediction was for horrid rain again later on.  I was pretty sure I knew where the tip was but even with the help of the phone’s GPS we couldn’t find the right turning and when we did eventually reach the site it was hideous!  A tiny tip with a massive queue of cars waiting to get in.  I was stuck in the middle of the road at a T junction until a kind driver made way for me.

Mildly traumatised, we drove home via the scenic route.  My partner was taking photos out of the car window and I stopped on top of the moors for him to do a panorama and also to let the traffic pass that had built up as we were going very slowly.  It was extremely cold up there, but there were some good orange and brown colours.  We got home just before the weather turned nasty as forecast. 

It took me ages to get to sleep that night even though I was tired.  I was listening to the very heavy rain and trying to focus on my breathing but it didn’t help and I tried to think things through again.  I returned to the theory that it was to do with not giving myself enough time during the day to think stuff through meaning my thoughts started churning over at night.  I started making lists of things to do in my head. I don’t like making resolutions but I felt the start of 2014 marked a turning point when I could put all the bad stuff behind me and start to be more forward-thinking, positive and definite.  I was thoroughly fed up of being tired and pathetic all the time and not having enough energy to do the stuff I wanted to do so I was determined that I was going to do everything I could to help myself get better and set myself small targets to aim for.

I also did some thinking about what writing my blog had thrown up.  I thought it would be quick when I got to the part where I was free from work but this turned out not to be the case.  I also realised that while my sleeping was still really rubbish, I had made a shift in September in terms of thinking about my illness and how to deal with it, although this had not made me miraculously better overnight.  I had also started to consider where my writing was taking me, and although I had no firm plans at that time about where to go with it next, I have since had ideas about widening the theme to include others’ experiences. 

Over the next three weeks I got into a good routine of utilising my time effectively with a mixture of writing, art exercise, spending time with friends and spring cleaning.  I was using a  new circuit training app which was really good and I built up from only being able to do about five minutes exercise in one go to fifteen.  Later in the month, I added weights to my routine and also got back into doing yoga again.

I had started to set the alarm for 8 a.m. in the morning utilising the DAB natural sounds on low volume.  This worked to an extent but some mornings it could be going for several minutes before I noticed, and often it got muddled in my brain with other noises from outside such as cars driving past in the rain.

During the first full week of January I had some ideas about the drunken Zombie film plot one restless night, including a working title and I decided to develop it into a pitch.  When I told my partner he seemed a bit miffed at first and accused me of nicking his idea.  I reasoned that writing was my thing, while he already had loads going on and I had time to do it.  I said I would credit him for ‘creative input’.  We discussed ideas including where it could be set then I started an outline for the plot and I did some research on the web about pitching film ideas. 

On the art front, I decided to re-do my crow collage as I was not happy with it.  I managed to peel the picture off the hardboard in one piece with very few rips (using warm water and a sponge; I obviously had some old memory of how my dad got wallpaper off walls!).  Then I had to leave it to dry. 

Although I felt I was doing everything possible to help myself improve health-wise, I still failed to stop my mind churning round at night with a combination of the bad stuff and other random crap.  I came to the conclusion that it was simply down to my brain and the chemicals therein which were obviously still out of balance. 

My friend with the interesting ailments came to see me on the Friday.  She had been ill during Christmas and New Year but said that she was still keen on going swimming when she felt better.

At the weekend I went to the bead shop and chose beads to make a jewellery set in purple like the turquoise one I made in September.  On Saturday night we went to have dinner with our art friend.  It was our first visit since the house had been badly damaged by floods (part 1 of these ‘memoirs’ you may recall).  We admired the new fixtures and had some lovely food.

At first she didn’t want to talk about work but when I mentioned some of my ideas and how I was thinking of doing some deeper research into how the bullying culture was endemic, she started talking about her own predicament and how awful it was.  Afterwards, she apologised for going on about it but that she didn’t have anyone else to talk to and I said I didn’t mind.  One thing I have noticed about my condition is that I can cope fine with listening to other people’s situations without it causing me stress, although I was still worried about her doing too much and not taking proper time out to have fun.

After dinner, we went to her local.  There weren’t many people in – a very drunk acquaintance was at the bar and there was a group of OAPs in the corner talking about prosaic items such as corned beef butties which was good for a laugh. There was an awesomely bright moon that night and we amused ourselves trying to capture it on the Smartphone from the pub patio, with mixed results.

 By closing time, we were the only punters left and the landlady was talking to us about such varied topics as llamas (apparently they have to be in groups of three or they die – strange creatures!) and A BBC drama (the catering crew were staying in the pub).  We got a taxi home and admired the first actual frost of the winter (about time too). We drank too much whiskey and chatted loads of shit but it was good in a way as I talked a lot about how I felt and how I was trying to be more positive and concentrate on doing constructive things, and my partner said he had noticed which was good.  That night, I had quite a good drink-induced sleep. 

On Sunday morning, it was still frosty and looked cold and grey and we decided to do crafts – Sunday crafternoon in fact!  My partner did some lino cuts of his crows and I made the purple jewellery set with the beads I’d bought the day before.  I was a bit slow at first as I had to remember what I was doing but got quicker as I went along and it all turned out pretty good.

The following week started well. I managed to perform a few stretching exercises first thing in the morning which I was pleased about but they didn’t magically wake me up as they are purported to do.  I went to see my art neighbour and we sat in the living room which benefitted from the bright morning sunlight.  We chatted about all sorts of things including art and illness.  Her Mum is currently undergoing investigation for cancer and we shared experiences and talked about coping strategies (again I reflected, I still have my uses!)

I had to spend some time on boring admin.  My car insurance was due for renewal and I thought it would be cheaper now that I didn’t need my car for work but as it turned out, I had to do quite a lot of shopping around to get a reasonable quote.  Also, twice that month the dole had written saying I needed to send them a sick note, which I knew I had done (with notes pointing out the dates which they had also got wrong).  Either they do it deliberately so you get fed up and stop claiming or they are complete idiots!  It’s a good job I keep copies isn’t it?

Mid-week, I had a particularly bad night with hardly any sleep at all and didn’t feel like doing anything as I was so tired.  Also, my right shoulder was very stiff and painful and I wondered if that was related to fatigue or I’d been overdoing it with the circuit training   I forced myself to get up and do something.  I went out for a walk round town and spent some time just looking at the river– the new hydro way now appeared to be working which was some kind of small miracle I guess. 

Paper boat

For the rest of the day I concentrated on art.  I added some bits to my crow collage and it started to look better straight away so I was quite pleased.  That evening, the art class resumed with the theme of ‘mood and atmosphere’.  My new pal and a few others had returned for the term, and there were a few new people too.   

Paper boat in charcoal and bread

My art friend was also due to return following her defection to the big town adult ed., but did not appear, which I guessed was due to work commitments.  The tutor talked for about an hour, showing us paintings on PowerPoint (yawn!), then we made paper boats, then did drawings of them in charcoal and bread!  It was quite fun and mine actually had perspective. At last!  I had mastered the art of that shading lark to make things look 3D!  I talked to my pal about stuff and told her to get in touch for a proper chat (she still seemed to be in a bit of a state).   

The tutor wanted to keep our drawings to put up on the bare walls so I took photos to show my partner when I got home.  He thought they were great and agreed that I had improved loads so I posted some of the photos on social media. 

My partner was spending most evenings on his own art works.  He had set himself a task of ‘doing an art a day’ this year and had developed a new technique of mashing up his photographs which was very clever and got lots of ‘likes’. By mid-January, He had already done about 25 which was way above his target.

At the end of the week, I did some more work on the Zombie film plot and we chatted about various comparable movies, and the merits and social commentary thereof.   I had wondered about giving my treatment a feminist slant but not sure if it would render it less sellable.  We also discussed the lack of decent weapons in many of these types of films, which I aim to incorporate.

My partner declared Saturday ‘the darkest day of the year’.  We spent it indoors doing haircuts and also experimented with some special marker pens that had arrived from NY.  We actually thought that they would get stopped at customs as solvents are banned here but obviously they got through.  I had forgotten how fantastic they smell!   The pens transfer print off magazines, newspapers etc onto paper so you can do really cool stuff. My partner  also did some more crow lino cuts and cut himself with the gouging tool but managed to bleed very neatly onto a piece of paper. 

On Sunday, after extensive research for cheap deals, I booked a holiday to Barcelona for March. Later on, we went out to stretch our legs and bought a few random items from charity shops.  I also did some photos of hillsides as I had an idea to improve my crow collage and needed some inspiration.  On the way home my partner contemplated a trial bike which has been chained to railings at the corner of the main road for a very long time.  We discussed where we would keep bikes (he has put me off the idea before as we have no storage inside) and then I came up with the idea of hanging them from the wall at the back of the house.

That night, I really struggled to get to sleep again.  For the second night running, there was a horrid droney noise outside which added to my usual difficulties. Monday morning was beautiful and sunny but marred somewhat by smoke bellowing out of chimneys in the street below, making it look really murky (My partner blamed wood burners and predicted that if the current trend continues, it will be just like the old days with all the smog in the valley bottom).

We found a letter on the doormat from the production company who were filming ‘A BBC drama’.  It said that they would be filming on the street below from 1-10 p.m. that day.  I considered posting the news on social media but decided against the idea for fear of attracting the wrong sort.  At about 2.00 p.m., the unit manager from the production company called round, wanting to know who owned a car parked down on the next street.  They planned to get a crane up the street for one of the cameras and we had quite an amiable chat.   I mentioned that it would be a good idea to have more advance notice so people could move their cars and she agreed and said she hadn’t had much notice herself. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon listening to music and working on my collage.  I could hear noises which indicated that the crane camera was going up and later in the evening, curiosity got the better of me and I went out for a nosey at the filming.  The crane gantry was huge!  I spoke to the operator who said it wasn’t even the biggest one.  I stood and watched them shoot a scene which involved the lead actress and a male actor I recognised, come out of a house and get in a car and then sit there for a while.  Obviously they were talking but you couldn’t hear them.  They filmed the scene twice in ten minutes then I was a bit bored.  I knocked on my friend’s door and she said she might come out to watch so I asked her to text me if she did.    However, when my partner got home, he said he saw the crane leaving so that was the end of that excitement. 

The next day I had a look in the second hand bike shop which had recently made an appearance.  I Got talking to yer woman who was very helpful and worked out I could get one for 60-80 quid which I thought was very reasonable.  Afterwards, I contemplated the idea - I want a bike and a guitar and although neither are very expensive, I feel bad buying myself stuff while I am on a reduced income.  I came up with the notion of rewarding myself with these items when I actually made some money somehow. 

On Wednesday, I worked on my collage some more and tried to paint a tree to stick on but it looked more like a giant leaf.  I was annoyed thinking I had wasted an afternoon but then reminded myself that it’s all about the process.  That evening I met my new art pal for a bite to eat and a chat.  We compared notes on how work had made us ill, and my film idea.  She knows someone with a small film company which enthused me quite a lot; at least I can get someone to read it in that case, I thought.  At art class, my art friend arrived and the tutor introduced her as an ‘old hand’.  We did small paintings conveying mood – I had predictably mixed results but had fun with colour mixing and using palette knives, forks and sticks.

That night, I was very tired but couldn’t settle down to sleep and did some more thinking.   One thought I had was that while on the one hand I remained determined to be positive and forward thinking, and really enjoyed the stuff I was doing, on the other hand, I was still not well and needed to earn some money.  If it wasn’t for those two facts, my life would be great.  I asked myself if the positives outweighed the negatives.  A hard question.  Although I was really pleased with myself for doing lots especially the writing, obviously I was not happy that I still suffered from mental health issues.  I recognised that my condition had improved but there was still a long way to go and I found it incredibly frustrating that progress was so slow especially with the sleeping. 

The next day I tried to analyse my sleep.  I had only managed a couple of really decent nights so far that month and at least half my nights consisted of very broken sleep but there was no pattern to it.  I was really at a loss as to what else I could do to help myself.  I had a chat to my partner about it and also about his work (he had mentioned the previous night that he had a crap day but didn’t want to talk about it so late).  The boy had put in a complaint about bullying but as usual, my partner was taking it in his stride.  He felt confident that he had the evidence to show that the boy is hardly ever at work.  We also chatted about his art and I tried to convince him again to sell it and/or have an exhibition.

Way Out

I was determined to complete my collage that week.  

I tried a couple of ideas for the trees I planned to add and eventually succeeded in getting something I was happy with by manipulating one of my original photos in Photoshop.  I spent ages cutting bits out with decoupage scissors which I found quite therapeutic.  I stuck the trees on my collage and declared it finished – at last! And thus I can now reveal to you the Hebden triptych:

Clear Water

At bedtime I decided to take a Temazepam (leaving only one for a dire emergency) as I was sick of the lack of sleep.  I fell asleep quite quickly but still had a broken night, woke up too early and felt very groggy in the morning.  I cheered myself up by writing ‘an open letter’ in response to a piece of drivel we got through the letterbox yesterday about Sainsbury’s and later I posted it to my funny blog.  I knew some people wouldn’t like it but I was passed caring; I’d had enough of the self-entitled middle class knobsI planned to go shopping in the car but it wouldn’t start again.  I was convinced it was the battery but I wasn’t wasting the weekend sorting it out.  I would ring the garage on Monday and say that I want a new battery or, if they keep insisting there’s nothing wrong with it, insist they find out what it is before returning the car.

In the afternoon, my friend with the interesting ailments came round for a cuppa and a chat and I listened to more tales of her various travails including a rather unpleasant invasive procedure that she had undergone recently.  She read my ‘open letter; and agreed with what I had written.

Bird and Leaves

We discussed the filming of the BBC drama and she said they had been filming in her street as well, which had entailed the lead actress potting plants in the rain, all day!  I told her about our zombie film idea and after she left, I did some character development and wrote a bit more plot.  I now had a beginning and an end, but only some of the middle part which I always find is the hardest bit when doing creative writing. 

That Saturday, we had a day trip by train to Manchester to look at some art.  We got the tram to Salford Quays and looked at lots of Lowry’s - I have to say I had a better appraisal of them now I know a bit more about art.   

We had really gone to see the Alison Goldfrapp as curator exhibition which was interesting.  She obviously likes fairy tales, especially German ones, but I was disappointed that there was no singing ringing tree. 

We  remarked on the plethora of wild birds (gulls, geese, swans etc) at the Quays and wondered if it might get taken over by them seeing as they were in more profusion than people (where’s Chris Packham?) and laughed at the floating rubbish making it look a bit third world.  We got the tram back to the city centre and went to the main art gallery and looked at a few of our favourite paintings and the Grayson Perry exhibition of ‘the vanity of small differences’ (six large tapestries and some other associated drawings).  It was really good but full of Guardianistas and I had to laugh at people reading out words from crib sheets about what the pictures were saying rather than looking with their eyes – middle class morons! 

Salford Quays - vista

We were tired and hungry by then and decided to go to the little Italian we went to in the summer.  After that we did a bit of shopping then on the way back to Victoria we stopped for a rest at the Old Wellington.  We sat outside with a pint and fag and seeing as there is a plaque with the history of the pub on the wall, my partner had to concede I was right that the shambles had indeed moved (though only 300 metres).  That evening, I was knackered and I started to feel ill with a sore throat overnight but reasoned it was probably just a cold.  

Salford Quays - rubbish

The next day, the weather was awful with lots of rain.  I decided to get ahead on that week’s writing as I was due to start an online course and would also have to sort the car out at some point.  At night, I started to feel worse and went to bed early with an aspirin and a book.

On Monday morning, my head felt all woolly and I had a niggle in my left nostril but I still thought it was probably just a cold and I got up as normal.  

I worked on my blog and rang the garage.  They booked the car in for Thursday and said they would sort something to come and get it seeing as it wouldn’t start.  In the afternoon I started to feel very ill indeed and went back to bed.

The next two days I stayed in bed with my laptop, finished my blog and did week 1 of the on-line course ‘Good Brain Bad Brain’.  As suspected, it only took me half of the estimated three hours but it was quite good and I started a file for notes and got some diagrams off the internet to put in it.  I also did some more work on the zombie film idea.  I had to rest lots though as all the thinking and writing made my head very fuzzy and made me extremely tired. 

During another sleepless night, I reflected on how stupid it was that stuff still churns round my head at night, including the horrid stuff.  I reasoned that it is because I still haven’t pinpointed the exact time when the nasty stuff started.  I have already decided this is going to be part of my research when I catch up in ‘real time’ with my blog and made an effort to push those thoughts to one side, did some relaxation and eventually fell asleep. 

On the Thursday I had to get out of bed and dressed as the garage were coming to collect my car. They rang me up at 3 p.m. to ask me some questions and said they would give me an update after they had finished their diagnostics.  I took it easy for the rest of the day in case I had to go and get the car back, but they didn’t call me back until the following morning.  In the evening I managed to stay out of bed some more and chatted to my partner about his ‘series of 12 landscapes’.  

When the garage rang me on Friday morning they said that the car had an electrical fault in the internal lights system somewhere yet to be isolated.  An auto electrician was coming on Monday so I told them to keep the car until it was fixed.  Thinking I was strong enough, I did some washing and cleaning and was getting ready to go out shopping, when I just collapsed in a heap and realised I couldn’t do it, so I went back to bed.  I slept a bit and must have been in a deep sleep as I dreamt someone was shouting my name and it was so convincing that it woke me up. I was quite upset and annoyed at whatever stupid bit of my brain decided it was a good idea to wake me up like there was some kind of crisis!  I felt really crap by the evening and was really hoping it wasn’t a stupid recurring infection again.

In the evening I got up to watch videos with my partner and after drinking wine, I had the bright idea to open the Tsipouri and I don’t know why as it is a horrid holiday drink (albeit in a posh bottle) that only tastes nice in hot climes.So I started February feeling rubbish of course ...