Part 17 - September 2013

Alykanas jetty

We arrived back from our late summer holiday in Zakynthos on my birthday.  Although we had a lovely time, I was still knackered and I really do dislike travelling on my birthday. As we didn’t have anything in to eat, we made an effort to go out for tea in a local pub even though we were dead tired. We planned to go straight home after, but we spotted our walking friends outside the pub in the square so we joined them for a pint and a catch up.  We left after one drink and I was in bed soon after 10 that night.  I fell asleep quite soon but then kept waking every couple of hours or so – so nothing new there then I thought.

The next morning my partner was up early to go back at work. I got up at a reasonable time and had a lovely hot bath which felt gorgeous after two weeks of crap showers!  It also helped with the leg cramps (which we both had, most probably from swimming in the Med as we never go swimming normally even though I am always saying we should).  Bizarrely though, the pains in my arms which had plagued me for over a year, seemed to have disappeared which was good.

Alykanas beach

I then spent a lot of time sorting stuff that needed doing post-holiday which took me most of the week, including getting all the washing done– Alikanas is lovely and I liked its scruffy charms, but it wasn’t until we got home that I realised just how dirty it was! It also took me ages to sort my holiday photos into folders.  I had taken most of them on my new Nokia Lumia phone (an early birthday present which takes excellent pictures but I had hundreds of them!)

I did manage to find some time to write ‘Letsos hell’, an amusing account of our holiday accommodation: http://maryc1000.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/letsos-hell_11.html.  When it was finished, I e-mailed it to Letsos Hotel and lowcostholidays.com.  and also wrote a review on Trip Advisor. Later in the week, lowcostholidays.com actually replied in a very long-winded and apologetic fashion saying they’d look into the issues I raised.  This amused me as I had only sent it to them for the comedy value and as they were a bucket job, I didn’t expect to get anything back from them.

On the Tuesday I went to see my doctor who still wanted to put me in a box labelled ‘depression’ and wittered on about counselling.  She gave me a sick note for another two months, but had nothing new to suggest to improve my sleeping which I really felt was still the biggest issue – I needed to break the vicious circle of not getting enough sleep, feeling tired, and having little energy.

I tried the Zopyclone again which did not improve my sleep pattern, but helped the quality of my sleep a bit for one night, then I was back to square one yet again.  I kept tossing and turning and eventually I decided that I was maybe trying too hard to keep myself busy in the day and not allowing myself any thinking time and so my mind was churning at night-time.  I resolved to do something constructive about it.  I had a conversation with my partner one morning when he could see that I had a particularly rough night. He agreed that antidepressants were not a good option and suggested getting out more (most helpful!)  Anyway, at least we didn’t argue.  Later on, I did some thinking as I’d promised myself and decided I could do with finding a new dance class or something, but when I had a look on local info sites I couldn’t find anything I really fancied.

On the Friday, My partner fell asleep on the train on his way home and was obviously shattered. He had a very hard week; it’s always hard after being on holiday of course but he was also just too busy.  I tried to talk to him about it, but all he would say was that there was literally too much work to do.  We had half-planned to go out with a friend that evening but she was also a bit under the weather and we were both so tired that we re-arranged for the Sunday evening. It was lovely and sunny the next day, so despite our extreme tiredness, we caught the community bus up the valley and walked back down to - via a different route this time.

Reflections in a late summer stream

The path was okay at first until there was a boggy bit where I had a mild trauma and then the path went very narrow and overgrown and a rickety bridge fashioned out of hardboard brought us out into someone’s garden.  We reckoned it was a deliberate ploy by some self-entitled wanker to put walkers off, even though it was clearly a public right of way.  In the woods, we stopped to marvel at trees, mushrooms, lichen etc and then walked down to the cafe for refreshments.  I felt very tired by this point and wondered if I’d overstretched myself.  I had expected it to be quicker walking on the top path but it wasn’t. On the last leg down we foraged some berries (for future reference, unripe rowan berries are not tasty).  We walked into town and visited our local for a pint and chatted to a couple of mates before getting a curry and beer to take home. I felt like I could have just fallen asleep at any point after all the activity.

The next morning I was a bit less knackered although I had a strange pain just above my left hip. We flicked through TV channels upstairs as some new ones had appeared whilst we were away and watched some news on Al Jazeera for a different perspective on events in Syria. We still can’t get all these channels in the living room, but because the bedroom is high up, we seem to be able to pick up the signal direct from Emley Moor which is handy when our weedy transmitter fails.

The weather had turned horrid and wet so we stayed in during the day.  In the evening, I was getting ready to go out as planned when I heard crashing sounds outside and when I went to look, a stupid idiot was driving over our recycling bins and had literally dragged one along the pavement so it was right outside our front door.  Then, as I was stood watching from the doorstep, he proceeded to drive straight towards me, further crushing the bin as he did so.  I shouted at him to stop and said if something was in the way, he should get out of his car and move it not just drive over it!  Lazy twat!  (I didn’t shout that last part).

We met our friend for a couple of drinks and a bite to eat and had a catch-up and exchanged gifts. I gave her some olive oil soap from Greece and she gave me some lovely chocolates for my birthday.  It was a very pleasant evening and we returned home at a reasonable time.  However, that night I woke several times with hot flushes and was also disturbed by my partner snoring. On the Monday morning I found it hard to wake up properly but despite feeling exhausted, I was keen to get back to writing this blog.  I spent a lot of the day on it which made my brain very tired.  However, that night I slept for about 6 hours straight which felt amazing! 

Later in the week, I received quite a lot of feedback on my blog.  I was very encouraged by this and I also found it really interesting because it wasn’t always the same people that sent me messages and comments, except a couple of friends who I knew read it regularly. I felt like I had struck a chord with all sorts of people and I strengthened my resolve that once I had worked through my own issues, I would carry out some analysis and research into the passive-aggressive bullying culture.

Unfortunately, my improved sleep was short-lived.  I had a particularly bad night mid-week which left me absolutely shattered and the next morning I felt very angry and upset.  I thought I’d turned a corner with a decent but now it felt like I was back at square one yet again.  The situation was exacerbated by my partner who had been coughing and wheezing all night, even though he had denied he had a cold.  He did apologise and we managed not to argue but after he left for work, I wallowed, feeling utterly miserable.   I tried to sleep some more but failed so I went downstairs in my dressing gown and made myself a coffee and tried to resist the urge to burst into tears again.

It prompted me to re-visit what the doctor had said about me having depression.  I wanted to do something positive and try and take back control of my situation so I looked on the internet and found same questions that IAPT ^I use – what a waste of time!  I came to the conclusion that it actually made no difference whether it was depression or that the symptoms were similar but were directly related to the stress (a sort of PTSDⁱⁱ).  I also didn’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Doctors want to label you ‘depressed’ so they can put you in a nice neat box and prescribe happy pills. I was still determined that anti-depressants were not the answer except as an absolute last resort, to be considered only after I had tried absolutely everything else.

Eventually, I felt a little bit better and got dressed and went out for a pootle round town. I discovered a rather excellent new book stall on the flea market so I bought a couple as gifts and one for myself. 

The art class autumn term started that week and I was looking forward to this added creative distraction.  There were a few people I knew from previous terms and a few new people, including some men which made a nice change.  The theme of the term was ‘everyday life’.  The tutor gave a long PowerPoint presentation of paintings then we did drawings to quite a strict brief.  I felt that some of mine weren’t too bad but I needed to do homework in preparation for painting the following week.  That night I took my last Zopyclone and asked my partner to sleep in the spare room as his wheezing was also detrimental to my sleep.  Mercifully, I managed to sleep quite a lot.

Some workmen were carrying out tree-felling on our street and the next morning, they were making lots of noise with a tree mincer. I had a little chat to them and they seemed quite nice, but I wished they were quieter. The next day, I had a shopping trip to Halifax and when I got back the tree fellers were making even more noise with a blower thing and I really wanted to shout ‘use an effing brush!’ what is it with men and their stupid tools?  They did finish work later that day and it was only after they had gone that the absolute crappiness of the job they had done could be seen in all its splendour.  It looked like branches had just been hacked off at random rather than a proper tree surgery job.  What an eyesore!

On the Thursday, I attended a workshop at the new bead shop.  It was quite good and I got a few tips and learned that I need more than one pair of pliers. I made a pair of earrings and a bracelet and bought more beads so I could make a matching necklace.

The following evening, we went to see our mates’ band play in the next town.  We had a nice evening catching up with lots of people.  But then I had a crap night after all the beer so the next day I was very tired again and stayed at home.  Sunday however, was a really nice day after several days of rain so we decided to go for a short walk. 

Mushrooms and tree

I made a flask of coffee and some sandwiches to take and we set off up the Valley.  We took a different path than usual, which was very twisty and overgrown, and very interesting – lots of evidence of the park it once was thanks to the Victorian job creation scheme and lots of strategically placed picturesque rocks.  My partner insisted on attempting a dangerous climb to take photos but I settled for pictures of mushrooms which were out in profusion.   

The twisty paths eventually took us to a familiar lane, so we followed our normal route up to a big flat rock where we could have lunch. We marvelled at the fact that it had took us two hours to go about a kilometre!  We saw some hippies camping in the valley and a couple more dingling about and wondered if it was some autumn equinox do. After eating, we went up to the top path and considered walking to the next hamlet but there was a very mean-looking cow in a field we would have had to cross so instead we walked to the end of the valley then back down on the bottom path  and back home the quick way.  When we got home we felt like we’d done some walking! 

That night was a strange one.  I did sleep some but I also spent quite a lot of time just lying in a sort of not-quite-sleeping stupor.  At about 8.30.  My partner came in to see if I wanted breakfast, but then I fell asleep again!  It took me ages to come round but eventually I made a big effort to get out of bed.  I then spent five hours on my blog so of course I was really shattered in the afternoon and my head hurt. 

As I found it so hard to come round in the mornings since coming back from holiday, I thought it might be an idea to ask my partner to make sure I was awake by 8 in the mornings, as we had been doing before we went away

On the Tuesday after I finished that week’s blog entry, the weather had brightened up again so I decided to get some air and went to do some gardening. I tidied up a bit and did some weeding and applied anti-cat spray. I then just sat outside to enjoy the warmth and chatted to some neighbours.  I was very tired but pleased with what I had done and hoped that I might sleep better as I hadn’t had a siesta for once.

On a positive note, my partner got home earlier that evening so we ate dinner together and he updated me on his work issues. Another round of redundancies was due just in time for Christmas, and that was on top of last week’s decrees that they no longer recognised trade unions and that everyone had to work whatever hours they were told regardless of what was in their contract – totally illegal!   At bedtime, I noticed a massive insect bite on my neck from doing the garden so I decided to take an antihistamine so it would go down overnight and I also thought it would help with the sleeping, along with being tired from the earlier physical activity.

How wrong I was!  It took me ages to drop off.  My mind was really churning with all sorts and I just couldn’t calm it down even though I tried some of my relaxation and breathing techniques.  I eventfully did get to sleep, but kept being woken up by my partner’s wheezing.  In the morning I could barely open my eyes properly and I felt very weird and blurry.  My partner e asked what was wrong and I resisted the urge to say ‘what do you think?’ and just said that I hardly slept at all to which he didn’t respond.  Later on, he asked me again what was wrong, and I said nothing new.  He said he wondered if it was something specific and I said not really; just the sleeping.  He said something about going to sleep in the spare room again and I asked him why we were always having the same conversation?  I did get annoyed as he still didn’t seem to get it and I said, when I do mention how I feel he hardly says anything back, or says nothing at all so what’s the bloody point? 

Later that day, I did some work on budgeting.  The final payment from my ex-employers had gone into my bank account as a lump sum but I would need to spread it over an indeterminate number of months.  I looked again at areas where I could reduce outgoings and cancelled a couple of direct debits.

I also did some reflecting on what improvements there had been and hadn’t been to my health, and what I felt up to doing to move forward in my life.  My main priority was still to finish the current phase of my ‘memoirs’ blog before Christmas which would take me up to the point of having a resolution from my employer.  Then in the New Year, I planned to look at how I could make money out of writing.  It dawned on me that I actually was a writer now.  I felt really positive and determined about this.  I was previously dabbling with ideas about selling stuff, making cards, calendars etc. But to be honest, there’s loads of that about and I can’t see myself making any money out of it.  My writing is truly unique though; by its very nature, no-one else will have created exactly the same thing as it is out of my own head so I decided I was definitely going to make a serious go of it. 

My painting of men painting

On the creative front, I planned to continue with art classes and continue to develop my photography skills but only for fun.  At art class that week we did paintings based on our drawings from the previous week.  The tutor said mine was good except I hadn’t followed the brief (we were meant to use a primary colour and its opposite secondary colour but in my defence, I had already put blue and purple on my palette and I didn’t have time for the orange). I had to leave the painting in the studio as it wasn’t finished and was still wet, but I took a photo of it on my phone and my partner said it was really good (it looks better as a photo than in real life!) 

That night, I just couldn’t still my mind again despite trying different breathing and relaxation tricks.  When I eventually got some sleep, the sound of power tools droning outside woke me - again! My partner brought me a cup of tea at 8 as instructed but I could barely sit up to drink it and I was very bleary.  He asked me what was up and I bit my lip to not get angry and told him it was nothing new – just the sleeping still.  But I felt exacerbated that yet again we were having the same conversation. I forced myself out of bed and had a productive day despite being shattered and having back pain.

That night, however, I started to feel like I was coming down with a virus so took some aspirin when I went to bed.  I tossed and turned again for ages (that made three nights’ running) and I tried various relaxation techniques to no avail.  It was very quiet outside, but very bright and I couldn’t work out why exactly.  I also had so much stuff whirling round my brain again, it was impossible to switch off.  In the end, I did some proper relaxation and even succeeded in moving my arms and legs just by thinking about it (something I learned out of a Hopi meditation book in my Hippy teenage days but hadn’t tried for ages).  After that I did manage to sleep for a few hours. 

I still felt rubbish the next morning but got up to get on with doing stuff. It was very warm and sunny, which was a pleasant surprise for the last Friday of September.  In the afternoon, I went into town and visited the library to get a passport to leisure card then I met a friend in a cafe for a cuppa and cake which was very nice.  However, when I got home, I felt really crap and had a sore throat. 

The next day, I still felt poorly but decided I probably just had a mild cold. My partner was also still feeling a bit unwell so we spent the day at home.  In the evening; I started to feel really crap again and could hardly keep my head up. Fortunately, I actually slept 6 hours that night but I still felt awful on the Sunday and decided that I was going to spend the day in bed.

As it turned out, I Ended up being in bed for several days, and in fact was ill for most of October...