Part 23 - March 2014

Mural by Miro

At the start of March I received a letter from Network Rail in response to my complaint about the planned work on the railway which basically said sorry, but tough, and that we had not been notified as we did not live adjacent to the line but that someone would contact me (if they did, they never left a message).

Thankfully, we escaped the first week of the disruption as we were away in Barcelona during which my partner celebrated his 50^th birthday. Unfortunately, I contracted a tummy bug the day after, no doubt partly due to taking antibiotics before I went to get rid of the sinusitis. This meant I ate very bland food for the second half of the holiday which is very uncharacteristic for me as I usually love sampling the local cuisine. 

Casa Vicens

Despite that, it was a good holiday.  We saw everything we wanted to at a not-too-frenetic pace, didn’t spend too much money and didn’t get robbed (that’s two myths debunked.  I came to the conclusion that people who say Barcelona is very expensive and full of thieves, just go and get drunk then get mugged when inebriated).

View looking north

Main observations on Barcelona – loads of parakeets and dogs; lots of big things for the sake of bigness; art and culture galore (of which Catalan is the best in the world of course), all connected to worthy educational pursuits; almost all the food entails a ton of olive oil, and the catering industry is practically run by Asians (even in the Spanish/Catalan restaurants).

Placa de la Cascades

On the journey home, we waited for an hour outside the hotel for the taxi driver to take us to the airport.  When he eventually turned up, he looked like he’d just got out of bed, was using two mobile phones with no hands free and had a smashed windscreen! Thankfully, the rest of the journey went according to schedule and we were home by teatime. I was so exhausted I could have easily gone straight to bed but made an effort to stay up.

After a decently long sleep, I felt considerably better the next morning but my jaw hurt on the right hand side and I wondered if I’d been clenching my teeth during the night.  It was lovely and sunny so after finishing unpacking and getting a load of washing in, I planned to spend some time outside.  However, I got into writing my blog for the previous month without really thinking about it which took up most of the afternoon! 

That night I was still very tired but when I went to bed there was an incredibly bright white light on the other side of the railway tracks which was shining directly into the bedroom.  The dreaded engineering works had obviously moved up this end and I could hear shouting then later in the night, very loud drilling which was very annoying.  I put earplugs in but couldn’t really sleep until they stopped at 7.00 a.m.

On Wednesday morning, I finished my monthly blog then wrote another complaint to Network Rail.  I saw a neighbour who was whingeing about the noise and I showed her the letters they’d sent me.  Whilst it didn’t help with the sleep deprivation, at least I knew what was going on due to being notified via social media, but it must have been awful for people who did not know anything about it at all; how could they think that it would only affect people living directly adjacent to the line?  It beggared belief!

In the afternoon I found some materials to use for my collographic tree print and when I got to art class that evening, the art tutor said I’d better get sticking as I only had one session to do it as I would have to be ready for printing the following week. I cut all the trees out of different cardboard and sandpapers then started on the background but some bits just wouldn’t stick down.  Then I discovered that they stuck better if I put tissue paper underneath – I wish I’d known that at the start!  I was there until 9.20 p.m. and still hadn’t finished so arranged to do it at home and take it back for varnishing on Friday morning. 

The Loud railway engineering had already started by about 10 o’clock that night which I was trying hard to ignore. My partner said I was grimacing whereas in fact my jaw ache had returned. I decided there was no point going to bed early but then I felt really cold (despite the sunny days the nights were frosty) so I went upstairs to take painkillers for my jaw ache and used some heat rub which helped quite a bit.  I put earplugs in and tried to ignore the awful drilling noises which went on right through until 7.00 a.m.

On Thursday I did some cleaning up in the garden then worked on completing my collographic printing plate.  I applied lots of PVA to make it secure then added a few more tree branches and extra sparkles and didn’t finish it until 11 o’clock that night!  By this time, my jaw ache had come back again so when I went to bed I took more painkillers and did another self-massage.  The railway engineers weren’t too noisy at first and I slept on and off until 4 a.m., then they started making a huge racket so I was tossing and turning again until they shut up.

On Friday morning we heard the news that Tony Benn had died which was sad (although he was old and ill) and I reflected that as Bob Crow had died on Tuesday, that was two socialists in a week!

It was lovely and sunny when I set out for the art studio to varnish my plate ready for printing the following week, then when I came out of the studio, it was cloudy and cold. I regretted going out wearing a blazer and ended up buying a scarf before meeting my friend with the interesting ailments as arranged. I suggested we go inside a cafe and said I would buy her cake as it been her birthday while we were away.  She was still ill and I said it had better not be her fault I kept getting poorly too and if I got sinusitis again, I was not seeing her any more until she was germ-free.

On Friday night it was quiet enough when I went to bed but I still put earplugs in as a precaution. I was in a weird not-quite-asleep state for some time, then I was woken at least three times by the engineering noises which went on right up to 7 o’clock again.  My partner had also been in a weird half-asleep daze for hours; most likely due to not being able to sleep properly when the chainsaws were in use. 

Saturday was dull, cloudy and cold.  My partner spent the day cutting out stencils.  I did some baking and tried to plan a visit to London – this was proving a bit complicated as I needed to work round my sister’s dates, the Matisse exhibition and being able to get cheap train tickets.  I narrowed it down to a couple of weekends in May then had to wait for my partner to check if they would be alright for him. 

That night, I fell asleep fairly quickly although I woke a few times in the night.  It was meant to be the last night of the railway engineering works but there was no sign of them thank goodness so it was lovely and quiet (although my partner said he heard something in the valley bottom).  On Sunday I had to get up early for an oil painting workshop. 

After a bit of chat from the tutor, we set about doing small sketches from photos of paintings.  We were meant to do four but most people had only done two or three by lunchtime.  After lunch, we started on a big painting choosing a bit of a still life arrangement that the tutor had already set up.  Of course, my effort was crap and I got nowhere near a finished picture.  Although the day went quick and I found it quite interesting to learn how oils worked differently to other painting mediums, I actually didn’t enjoy it particularly.  It annoyed me that everyone else could actually paint and I wondered once more why people go to workshops when they are already accomplished.  The teacher was really nice but I didn’t find her teaching style very helpful – lots of prior knowledge was assumed and I kept being told my paint was too thick, then too thin so I got quite frustrated.  I was very tired by the end of it but declined a lift off my art friend as I needed to walk in the fresh air to clear my head of the turps fumes. 

Now that the overnight engineering works had ceased, I hoped to get back into a routine of getting up at the same time every day.  However, on the Monday morning it took me a while to come round. I really didn’t want to wake up but forced myself.  Later on, I had a bit of a think as I felt very depressed and everything seemed really overwhelming.  I knew this was irrational as I had control over what I did, but life felt incredibly daunting sometimes.  I was wondering if my depression was getting worse (due to continual sleep deprivation and just feeling worn out after eighteen months of this crap). 

I made myself get back into a proper routine of doing things following a blip due to illnesses and holiday whilst being careful to not overdo it.  In particular, I wanted to get back into doing more physical activity, return to my writing projects and get the positivity back that I started 2014 with.  I kept myself occupied drafting my blog from the previous week and sorting holiday photos which was a mammoth task due to the photogenic and varied nature of Barcelona.  My partner cheered me up somewhat when he found the cutest animal picture ever - of a tiny donkey the size of a flower! 

Thankfully, I had a bit better sleep that night and on the Tuesday I motivated myself to go to the big town to put a cheque in the bank.  I also bought some photo albums for Mum as I had said I would sort some old photos for her when I next visited.  My expedition wasn’t as tiring as the last time I had to make this trip although when I got home out of the squally showers and changeable weather, I started to feel very cold and weary and couldn’t get my back warm at all.  I resorted to going to bed and did some relaxation then fell asleep for an hour! 

In the evening I rang Mum.  She had forgotten all about the photo albums and had thrown the photos in question away.  I was a bit angry and upset by this but then I told myself there was no point because that is what she is like now; everything is ‘too much trouble’ and she ‘can’t be bothered’.  She did say she appreciated the thought which was something I guess.  I also found out that my partner was about to experience yet another reorganisation at work.  He said he wasn’t stressed about it but did have tummy trouble which I thought might be due to suppressed stress.

The rest of the week, my sleeping was atrocious and I continued to feel very depressed but I continued to make a big effort to keep busy and stick to my plan of activities.

On the Wednesday I got a letter off the Dole saying my ESA would end in July as contributions based benefit are only paid for 365 days.   I was unaware of this rule but my partner said he did know about it.  I tried not to fret as although it helped a bit while I was still not in a position to earn money, it was not loads of money and I reasoned that I still had four months during which anything could change.  Again, I resolved to stay positive despite this being very difficult. 

I went to see a friend and we chatted about all sorts of stuff and arranged to go for a drink on Saturday. It was lovely and sunny all day but I was too drained to go out again in the afternoon.  I still didn’t really feel like doing anything if the truth be told but I did look back at my ‘illustrated blog’ and tried to fill gaps with more photos.  However, I couldn’t find some of the ones I wanted to use which was a bit frustrating. 

Collographic print - the plate

I was looking forward to art class that week as I got to do my big collographic print.  It was okay in the end but quite fraught in places.  the art tutor had hardly any big pieces of paper in stock even though he knew two of us were doing large prints and I almost lost it with him at one point I (went out for a cig and calmed down a bit).  I did manage to make three prints in the end and then the press made some alarming noises and got stuck.   I joked it was worth it for my beautiful works of art.   

Collographic print - in blue

I genuinely thought it would be okay being a simple old machine, literally 100 years old, and probably just needed an overhaul.  My art friend gave me a lift home and she suggested going up to the country pub near her place on Saturday night.  

When the alarm went on Thursday morning, I was barely aware of it and dozed for several minutes. My partner left early to attend a meeting about the reorganisation so I said to let me know how it went.  I still felt really tired and depressed and it was tough going staying motivated.  I also kept getting aches in my legs and arms.

I did a bit of thinking about how I felt and why I was still so depressed.  I had a look back at ‘angry writing’ which I wrote back in August 2012 and did a review which I had last done in January 2013.  It was helpful in that it made me realise that in many areas I had improved and made me reflect again that I was much more productive, even when it was hard work.  I realised that I should really be proud of myself for forcing myself to do stuff even when I don’t feel like it. 

In the evening, my partner told me a bit about what was happening at work.  Two new not-quite-manager jobs were being invented.  As he had been doing the work involved in these ‘new’ jobs for over a year due to a lack of staff and it could put his job at risk, I deduced that they should actually be offering at least one of them to him without needing to be interviewed.  I suggested he spoke to some union/legal pal for a second opinion.

In a bid to get some decent kip I took a Temazepam but had an awful night.  Even though I was incredibly sleepy, I couldn’t drop off and ended up sitting up again but could barely keep my eyes open.  I settled down once more and did some proper relaxation on my back and listened to the river.  It still took ages to get any sleep, then I woke every hour or two.  In the morning I felt really rubbish and I got quite upset.  I talked to my partner about how I felt and that it seemed like we hardly ever talked about it, then it all built up and got too much.  He said he thought I was a lot better compared to 6 or 12 months ago and I agreed, but said that it was so slow and I was sick to death of not sleeping properly and now the pills weren’t helping, I was at a loss what to do (I later realised that when I was doing a review of my condition the previous day, I had forgotten about trying homeopathy and wondered if it was worth a go – problem is, I don’t really believe in that malarkey).

I managed to drag myself out of bed and ran a bath.  I kept busy with a bit of housework and also reviewed my film plot idea which I had not worked on for some time.  I decided some bits were quite good but it still needed work.

In the evening I got quite drunk on wine and then I slept a whole six hours without waking which was good seeing as I’d had such a crap one the night before, but I woke with a bit of a hangover.  The weather was very changeable with wintry showers at times so my partner decided he was going to do some stencilling. I booked train tickets to go to London in May. Then I went to the bead shop for some supplies and spent the rest of the afternoon making some bracelets – these crafternoons were becoming a regular habit now! 

In the evening we went up to the country pub for some dinner and a few pints with our two mates.  It was a pleasant and fun evening, but the taxi driver coming home was a bit scary.  He interjected in a conversation we were having about vegetarianism with the ominous pronouncement that ‘even chick peas scream’. 

I barely slept at all that night (maybe I didn’t get drunk enough!) but on the Sunday I felt like I needed some time outdoors even though the weather was still changeable.  We walked along the canal to the park and looked at the treetop rookery, then I noticed the outdoor gym equipment and we had a go on a few of the machines.  Quite a good development I thought. My partner was doing rather well on the equipment and then admitted that he used them at work which he never told me before. 

Rookery

Over the weekend I  found myself actually contemplating the prospect of getting a job – it would have to be part-time, not too stressful, not entail too much travel and pay a reasonable amount and I wasn’t sure that such a thing existed.  Nevertheless, it was a positive step that I could consider the idea without getting all stressy even if it did need more thought.

On Sunday evening I was extremely tired and managed to sleep eight and a half hours, only waking three times.  I felt so much better on Monday morning having had a decent sleep for a change!  It felt amazing especially compared to the same time the previous week when I felt so low.

As it was lovely and sunny so I decided to go for a walk. I left the house with my partner and walked with him along the canal and through the park, then I went back through the park and did some exercise on the outdoor gym – I was quite chuffed with myself as I thought I would be too self-conscious to do it on my own.  On my way back home, I decided to call on my art neighbour.  She looked quite worn out but pleased to see me and invited me in for a cuppa.  She had been finding it hard going with her Mum who she was taking to chemo on a regular basis and she had also been trying to mediate between siblings and all that entails (I know how that goes).

When I got home, I hung up some washing outside for the first time this year (which always feels good – small pleasures eh?) then worked on my blog for a while and finished sorting my photos from Barcelona at last.  In the evening, I rang Mum’s and spoke to my sister who was visiting and arranged a time to go to the Matisse exhibition with her when we are in London, then I spoke to Mum and arranged to go over on Wednesday. 

When I settled down to sleep that night, I reflected on what a fabulous day it had been (lots of sun, time outdoors, and varied activity) and I hoped to have a decent sleep again.  I did, but not as good as the previous night.  My jaw had been aching again since earlier in the evening and when I got up the next day, I tried to soak it in warm water whilst having a bath.

I spent a lot of the day preparing food to take to Mum’s and made her a Mother’s day card.  I prepared a cake in the morning but delayed baking it so it could go alongside a pasta dish I made in the evening.  This turned out to be a mistake as it took ages and wasn’t ready until quite late by which time I was exhausted again.

On the Wednesday I packed a wheelie case with food and books for Mum and set off for the station.  I found some fancy tulips on the way to take her as well - they were a bit pricey but rather nice.  When I got there, Mum wanted to eat as soon as I set foot in the house which I suppose I should expect but she doesn’t even let you catch your breath!  Then she whinged because the pasta had to be heated up (a whole three minutes in the microwave) but she did say it was nice. After lunch, we sat and talked and I showed her some photos of the two cathedrals in Barcelona (she thinks the Gaudi one is too weird) and a bit later we went out to walk up and down outside the house (she won’t go any further these days).  I did a couple of small chores for her before leaving.

When I got home I was shattered!  I was glad that I had decided not to go to art class that evening – it was life drawing which I hate.  I did, however, develop my ‘food collage’ idea some more and came up with the concept of ‘traffic lights’ (geddit?)

Later in the week I compared notes with my sister about Mum and we agreed that she is much the same as ever and could do more for herself but we are powerless to make her.  I must say though that I am full of admiration for my sister.  She works full time and is always on the go, but manages regular weekend visits to my Mum and does a pile of cooking when she is there to stock the freezer.  I really don’t know where she gets the energy – I am worn out by half a day with Mum!  Mind you, it’s two days’ work altogether as the getting ready part takes up a day beforehand and then with the travel etc., it is totally knackering.  .  I used to feel guilty about not being there enough for her but I have come to accept that that there is a limit to what I can do right now.  Also, there are other people around including siblings that live nearby, friendly neighbours and Social Care so she is not alone.

That night was quite odd - I woke loads and felt half asleep/half awake a lot of the time.  The next day I received a letter saying that the psycho session I had been waiting four months for had been postponed yet another month!  Later on, I tried to do some research on the next stage of my writing which I had been planning following the first half of my ‘memoirs’ blog, but I didn’t really know where to start .  I looked at the ideas I’d jotted down earlier and did some more thinking.  Again I reflected that even now I had random thoughts about ‘the shit’ and still felt angry and resentful about what had happened to me.  Most of the time this bubbled on just below my conscious mind and I managed it reasonably well, but occasionally it came to the fore and this could happen at any time, day or night.  I felt that I really needed to tackle this to move on fully. 

I realised that I was also annoyed about the psycho appointment being postponed after waiting for months so I rang ‘Insight’ (I’d picked up a leaflet about them last time I saw my GP but had decided to wait and see what the other lot offered me first but now there was further delay involved, I resolved to give them a go).  They answered straight away and after a few basic questions, offered me an appointment for Friday of the following week.  I felt a bit better and more positive after that and went back to my notes.  I came up with a list of questions to ask other people who have been affected by similar issues that I hope to use as part of my own research at some point. 

Despite all this constructive stuff, I had another weird night and my mind was wandering all over the place.  I tried all the tricks I knew to calm it down and eventually I dropped off but had a very broken night and every time I woke up, I was really thirsty.

That morning I went out to collect my collographic prints from the art studio and also got a few supplies from the craft shop then went to the supermarket.  I bought extra wine to use a voucher and overloaded my wheelie case (which I had taken with me to carry my prints safely) and worked out that it weighed 15 kilos!  When I got home I was really exhausted again.  After I recovered I went back to my research and found a few useful websites and made some notes.  However, it was a bit much for a Friday afternoon especially as I’d had two particularly odd nights and felt quite sleep-deprived. 

In the evening, I texted my partner to see if he had any news following a meeting at work earlier in the day; he said that he got some concessions but was peed off (in an amused fashion as per) about the futility of the same old shite.  Over the weekend, he talked a bit more about what was going on at work and I told him about my research and how while some of the advice I gleaned is too late for me, it was relevant to him too – basically it boils down to learning how to beat the bullies at their own game, or leaving. 

Signs of spring

Saturday started foggy and overcast but it looked dry so we set off on a walk.  We went up the side valley, pausing a few times to take photos and to have coffee and cake that we had taken with us. It felt like hard work having not done an uphill walk for a while but it was nice to see the start of spring life in places.  We decided to go for a drink for a bit of a recoup but the nearby pub was shut (for spring cleaning apparently).  Luckily, a bus came along shortly after so we rode home. 

Weird lichen

That night, I had intended to go to bed early but we kept forgetting the clocks changed and it was in fact 4.00 a.m. BST when I actually got to sleep.  And then I had a really crap night and hardly slept at all.  I felt truly terrible the next day and was quite depressed.  I made an effort to get up but I was so low on energy that I didn’t feel like doing anything.  

Eventually, I decided to do some lino printing which cheered me up a bit.

Thankfully, sleep was rather better on Sunday night so although I was still tired on Monday, I felt a bit more positive and spent some time planning my week and working on my blog.  I think I overdid it though because when I went out to get a few supplies in the afternoon, I was almost falling asleep standing at the supermarket checkout.   I noticed that the cashier was eyeing me rather strangely so I made an effort to stay alert and look like I was in the land of the living. 

In the evening I sorted my photos from the weekend.  I was quite pleased with some of them and came to the conclusion that I definitely frame shots better with my new camera.  When my partner got home, he showed me some photos that he had taken on his way to work including some rather pretty blossoms and of course the crows’ nests.    March ended on a rather horrid grey note.  The weather forecasters finally confirmed my suspicions that there were especially high levels of pollution.  I had hoped that some overnight rain might clear the air a bit and that April would start on a brighter note.  Also, apparently the south was afflicted with ‘Saharan dust’ – wtf!