Part 7 - November 2012

Bubble in the sand at Blackpool beach

The day of our planned trip to Blackpool did not start well. I’d had a terrible night with hardly any sleep and was in a very bad mood in the morning which wasn’t helped by my partner saying ‘stop worrying about it’ which I took to mean stop  worrying about ‘the shit’ which as we have discussed before, wasn’t necessarily the case. This made me really angry as I had actually made a massive effort to push negative stuff out of my head the previous night so that I could concentrate on enjoying a trip to the seaside.  When I calmed down a bit, he said that he just meant don’t worry about it today, so I had to admit I had over-reacted. I said sorry and we focused on our trip.

Red phone boxes in Blackpool

We had an enjoyable afternoon in Blackpool then made our way to the guesthouse that we had booked via LateRooms. It was owned by 2 guys (business partners) and one of them made us a coffee which we drank in the bar area then he took us up to the room. We had paid an extra fiver for the ‘deluxe room’ which basically it meant it had a bay window. Later on, we went to look at the illuminations and had dinner and a few drinks, while spending much of the evening dodging the lashing rain – what fun!

When we got back to the guesthouse, the bar was full of people in onesies which I thought was a bit odd. We were offered a free drink so had a whiskey and chatted to the owners and some other guests. The proprietors were very proud of the fact that they had 5 stars on TripAdvisor and after listening to some of their anecdotes, we came to the conclusion that this was more to do with the fact that people are too scared to write a bad review rather than the actual quality of the establishment.  Apparently, they were ‘at war’ with a guest house round the corner who had won ‘Four in a Bed’ and they were not very complimentary about their rivals.  They told us a cautionary tale of how they had chased someone down the street for giving a bad review and I began to get a little bit afraid...

A desolate Fleetwood

During the night, there was a storm and mad hailstones kept hitting the bay window. Breakfast was large and actually quite good, but we were glad to check out and leave soon after 10 as we were badgered again to make sure we put a good review on TripAdvisor. ‘Yeah, sure,’ we said, literally running out of the door. We spent the day in Fleetwood, just because we had never been before.  The weather was absolutely atrocious - we took photos of the desolation and bought some stuff in the very excellent market.

The Weather was equally rubbish when we got back home, and the river was almost full which was worrying! My partner insisted on walking through the muddy park (first time since the horrendous journey home in the floods in July and I did not enjoy it). 

That night I slept a bit better but woke up with a sore throat and felt terrible. I knew that I would catch my partner’s cold and the freezing conditions of the Fylde coast made it even more inevitable I daresay.  The fireworks display was on that night which we always went out for so I was not pleased to be missing it.   We made a discovery though – just after our dinner we heard the fireworks start. We got up to look out of the window and to our surprise; we got quite a good view so we saw the display after all! I’d never thought to look before as I always assumed we wouldn’t be able to see them from the house. 

By the Monday, I felt no better. I had some mail to open that had arrived while we were away (this was now an established pattern, with mail arriving at the end of the week so I had to fight the urge to  fret about what was in it all weekend).  There was a letter from my boss saying that following the investigation there was not going to be any disciplinary but suggesting a meeting. Silly bitch, I thought!    After causing me all this grief, and being none the wiser about what exactly had triggered it all, she just expected me to go and talk to her about going back to work as if nothing had happened!  I went back to bed to try and focus on getting physically fit but my mind was churning and I really needed to deal with it. Now that the ridiculous investigation had ended and with it the threat of disciplinary, it was time to submit the grievance.

By mid week my cold felt less worse. I composed my grievance letter carefully, pointing out exactly how they had breached their own policies and procedures and how their treatment of me had made me ill. I had a chat to my partner which was helpful in terms of thinking through what I was doing. He was concerned that taking out a grievance would prolong the agony, but I knew that I had to do it; if I let it drop I would not feel miraculously cured of my stress and if later it turned out I had a case to go to Employment Tribunal (ET), I had to show that I had followed all the internal procedures first.

We had a relaxed weekend getting over the end of our colds and the following week I kept myself busy while I was waiting for a reply from work(I had only received an acknowledgement off the Chair so expected it to be a few more days until I got a date for a meeting). After I got over my cold, I seemed to sleep better but reverted to type after a couple of nights and one night I had  a horrid dream about zombies at work which made me even more determined to try and distract myself. I continued with the bath salts and body scrubs experiments (with mixed results) and also started making Christmas cards.  I had found a pack of blank cards in a charity shop and I thought it would be easy using these as a basis for a design but it turned out to be very time-consuming.

My Still life a la Matisse!

In art class I had started a painting of trees as my personal project and we had also done some more still lifes – I joked ‘I is done a Matisse’ (ha! Ha!). I had chats with my friend after class. She was really stressed about her house again as there was potential damage under the floor and she also had a cold. 

I was concerned that she was trying to do too much at once but she didn’t see any point in taking time off work as her house was not in a pleasant state to be hanging around in. Not for the first time, I said she was welcome anytime to stay over at ours or just come for dinner – I knew she valued her own space but I felt that she could have used some respite.  I updated her on my situation; and she reckoned my employers didn’t have a clue what they were doing.

          
My partner and I talked quite a lot around this time which was good, mainly about how my illness was progressing (including the pros and cons of valium and how ridiculous the whole process of getting decent drugs legally is and how retarded the chemist next to the GP surgery is and how the doctors is kind of expecting me to get depression due to the stupid way in which they treat stress and anxiety)   and also about what he would like to do instead of working at that awful Nazi Kafka-esque college; he’d had offers of work but not of the right kind. I was still not in a position to do any serious thinking about what I wanted to do in the future.  My immediate plan was to delay any decisions until the New Year and then to decide things such as whether to resign or hold out for more money and then think of what to do in the future. I had some ideas but nothing concrete with a guaranteed income.

We had a trip out to Canon Mills in Bradford for a new quilt and pillows. We used to go there loads when we lived round the corner, but it was ages since we last visited.  It is now called Canon Mills Shopping Village and I kind of expected to see some changes with that grand name  but no; it was exactly the same as it always was, except the buildings were now even more decrepit and predictably there were more lovely Asian fashions for sale.  I only counted four other white people apart from us.  That combined with a visit to Mumtaz complete with jolly music and severe overeating, made visiting Bradford a bit like going on holiday (except with rubbish scenery and a biting wind). I was very tired and achy when I got home, it being the furthest I’d driven for 3 months!

In mid November I started going to a new dance class in Sowerby that a neighbour told me about. The studio was very near the station so easy to get to, but the 12 noon start time proved difficult, especially as it was a three and a half hour round trip all told. The class itself seemed okay at first, despite me being the youngest person there. After 2 straight forward dances they went into a Pasadoble with seemingly no warning! This is a hard dance which I had never done before so I got very lost.  Then there was something called a sweetheart waltz which starts very oddly then goes into basic waltz steps – I decided that I’m not old enough for this sequence dance lark!  I had a chat to the teacher after and said that I would just do the ballroom and Latin in future – this also worked out better for train times.  I didn’t get home til almost 3 and was absolutely starving!  Also, it was the same day as art class so I basically had time to eat, have a rest and recuperate from the physical exertions before needing to be off out again.

Despite all my creative distractions, I felt quite a lot more anxious again, exacerbating my sleep problems. I was still waiting for a letter from work, two weeks after I submitted my grievance and I still hadn’t seen the ‘investigation report’.  Apparently, my boss was getting approval from the Personnel Committee to pass it onto me which I thought was ludicrous not to mention a conflict of interest seeing as my boss chaired the committee .What a load of shit!  I wondered if it was delaying tactics hoping that I would run out of time to go to ET if they left it too long.

I also did some reflecting on the lack of intellectual activities I had been doing and started to wonder if I would go more stupid.  Then I thought about all the things I had been doing which do require the use of my brain, even if it wasn’t exactly in the same way.  For example, painting, crafting, Photoshop work, making bath salts and scrubs (which is science really isn’t it?  ) I was also reading a book about Hypatia (worth looking up!) which I found quite stimulating – I liked her idea of inner spirituality even thought I am not sure if I believe it; it is a very inclusive and humanist philosophy.  I wished I could feel inspired to do more writing but it was quite rare for me to feel like doing creative writing and even when I had ideas, the development of them was just beyond me at that time as it required too much brain power and made my head hurt (as it still does). So other than my journal and some small amusing pieces which I posted on my blog, I struggled.

As it turned out, a letter from the Chair arrived attached to an e-mail,  sent via the administrator (which annoyed me because at least when they arrived by normal post I could choose whether to read it there and then or leave the envelope unopened until I felt ready). There was no suggested date for a meeting as I had expected, but instead they asked for further clarification re: my grievance. In particular, it was obvious that my boss had lied (as I had anticipated) about the conversation we had on 8^th August and denied that she told me that if I took out a grievance at that time, it would not be heard until the disciplinary process was complete.

I was even more convinced that they were using delaying tactics.  I left a message for the Union Rep then started to draft a reply to the letter but felt I really needed to speak to the Rep first.  In the evening I showed my partner the letter and my draft response and we had a bit of a chat.  He said their request seemed pretty ‘standard’ and we got into a bit of an argument about whether I had a case to go to ET.  I got upset and he asked me what I wanted and I said I really need ‘them’ to admit they had NOT followed procedures and acknowledge what they had done to me.  I felt extremely stressed and couldn’t wind down as I normally try to before nighttime so I looked up grounds for ET on the internet and found out that my situation came under a couple of headings including ‘breach of trust’.

After a particularly bad night despite valium and meditation, the long-awaited investigation report arrived in the mail the following day.  There was also a covering letter from my boss and an ‘action plan’.  The report was a load of vague rubbish, very badly written, with still no actual evidence or dates. It hardly even addressed the initial list of 17 ‘concerns’ and contained quite a lot of new information but none of the information I gave to the DD at the meeting in October.  It was blatantly apparent that my work colleagues had been given free reign to attack me and some of the things they said about me were unbelievably petty. 

The letter also contained new items which were a direct attack on an area of work which I was very conscientious about, and in which I was definitely more competent and knowledgeable about than my idiot of a boss! Astoundingly, she expected that now I had the report my ‘anxieties (would) be alleviated’ and I would feel able to return to work!  Was she mad?  This made me feel even worse!  I showed my partner the letter and report which he agreed was complete cobbled together garbage and concurred that by adding things while I was off sick was totally out of order.

I tried contacting the Union Rep again and whist waiting for his reply, I started to draft a response to the report but I really needed to find out if I could amend my grievance to address the new information. Not for the first time, I felt totally blindsided.  It was Friday and I had a dilemma as to whether to carry on with my response or try to forget about it and enjoy my weekend.  I was so anxious that I was physically shaking as I was writing, my legs were literally quivering, my neck was throbbing and my heart rate had increased significantly. It was very difficult to forget about it especially as I didn’t know if the Union Rep was going to ring back and I felt that I wouldn’t relax until I had some advice and some direction for what I should do next.

In the end, I did carry on writing to get it out of my head and onto paper and I tried ringing the Union again but to no avail.  In the evening my good friend came round and I told her all about it.  She could tell how agitated I was; she said it was like I had gone back to how I was when all this started back in August. 

We went out for a drink which helped, we chatted about our trip to Birmingham planned for the following day and a bit later, my partner arrived straight from work and we chatted to a few people we knew and talked about philosophy (inspired by Hypatia). 

Sightseeing in Birmingham

Our trip to Birmingham was pretty good.  We went for a special concert by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel – whole of first 2 albums for anyone who’s a fan, complete with full orchestra and choir – awesome! Steve Norman from Spandau Ballet turned up as a special guest as well.  After, we went for a drink in a Tap n Spile which was the closest thing to an actual pub amidst the Saturday night disco hideousness and marvelled at the lower room which looked like it had been preserved as an authentic 1980’s pub experience.   

The court building in Birmingham

The next day we wandered around a bit looking at the cathedral and some architecture and marvelling at lack of Sunday morning opening – obviously everyone goes to church instead of shopping or sightseeing (ha! Ha!).  We also went to the museum when it finally opened and saw loads of art including the Saxon Horde and ’Revealed’ – the Government  Art collection exhibition which was very good.

There was flooding in the South West that day, so our train was cancelled and we had to wait an hour for the next one.  Then of course the train was completely packed, but at least we got home and it could have been worse, and we consoled ourselves by the fact that we would be entitled to a refund.  I was knackered when we got home and that night although I still kept waking up as usual, when I was asleep it was quite deep, probably because I was so tired.

On the Monday I felt awful again of course, and tried to distract myself chatting to friends but was on edge til Union Rep finally rang in the afternoon. After harping on in the past about getting me back to work, he finally conceded there was no way I could go back now after what had transpired and we came up with a plan. I was on the phone for ages and after the call, I was utterly drained! Not surprising with the heightened stress, severe sleep deprivation and being away at the weekend which was lovely but knackering. I could hardly keep my head up so went to bed early and took Temazepam, and had a really good night’s sleep – 7 hours in one go - hurray! 

The next day I finished my letter to the Chair taking account of the advice from the Union.  I started to feel a bit better after that and quite positive that I would win as I didn’t see how they could demonstrate their behaviour was reasonable – sending me more lists of things I was crap at without taking account of my response to the initial concerns, what it had done to me and what a state I was in.  That night, I got a real bad anxiety attack at bedtime.  I told myself it was stupid and kept saying to myself ‘I am going to win’ but it didn’t stop loads of shit going through my head and it took ages to get to sleep and then only in fitful bursts. 

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, the bloody central heating packed in at the end of November. And of course the temperature had plummeted to sub zero right on cue so the house was freezing! I arranged for an engineer to come out and he got the boiler working but said it needed a new PCB and he’d come and put it in the next morning.  I had arranged to go with my art friend to Valley of Lights, which was a bit of a fiasco as it turned out.  She was coming straight from work and was stuck in traffic so I waited around watching telly (including said VoL on Look North - this town needs more media coverage of course!) then she rang to say she was in town and I went to meet her outside the Town Hall.  Nightmare!  I couldn’t go down the usual route as it was blocked off so I had to fight the crowds through the square just as the stupid parade was going through.  I managed to find her and she decided the street food was crap so we went in the pop up pub for dinner which was quite nice but pricey. 

My partner was due to meet us but he was delayed on a train.  We went to look at the street market and then my friend declared she was too cold to hang around waiting for my partner so I suggested going to a pub but she didn’t want to, and she decided to go  home.  I was a bit narked as I’d only gone out because she wanted to and I was going back to a freezing cold house.  Also, as I’d had a pint, I couldn’t take valium that night so I decided to get more beer on the way home.  I saw another friend in the shop and she invited me up to her house but I was too angry and tired so I declined.

I had an even worse night after that, but at least the gas engineer came early the next day as promised to put a new PCB in and so the heating was back on!  That evening I went to the official re-opening of our local pub.  Had quite a nice sociable time and drank rather a lot and consequently had quite a deep sleep to end the week on – thank you alcohol!