Part 3 - August 2013

Blue sky - just because...

When I got into work on Monday 6^th August there was an e-mail from my boss in response to my request for a written list of the so-called ‘concerns’ she had raised.  The e-mail said that as she was ‘snowed under’ these responses would just be bullet points, underlining again how little she cared about how any of this was affecting me and that dealing with the situation was day down her priority list. I went to look in my post tray in which I found a sealed envelope.  This contained a hurriedly typed list of 17 ‘concerns’ in bullet form ranging from the petty (see below if you want to see the full list).  In her e-mail she also said that we could arrange to meet later in the week to discuss them.

I was confused as I thought she had said she was on leave this week but later found out she was off work that morning but would be working at home in the afternoon, so I decided to wait for her to come to me with a date. In the meantime, I looked at the organisation’s Harassment and Bullying policy and Grievance procedure to see if I would have a case if I decided to go down a formal route.  I realised that I did, but the first part of the grievance procedure says that you should try and resolve the issue informally first so I knew I had to talk to my boss about it in any case.  I also confided in 1 colleague who I trust and asked them would they accompany me to a meeting, and they said yes.

On Tuesday 7^th August, my boss sent an e-mail to managers clarifying her annual leave dates which confirmed that she was in work so I rang her at her other office . I left a message and she rang back and said she would come and see me after seeing the administrator on Weds 8^th August.

 At the top of the list of the 17 ‘concerns’ it said ‘concerns to be discussed, taken from Director’s, managers, (staff) Team’s observations and feedback from ‘Investors in people’.  This was not clear to me at Support & Supervision; I was under the impression that we needed another meeting to look at what came out of the Investors in People review.  I had also read the Investors in People assessors’ report and could not see a link between its findings and the list of concerns my boss had raised.

I started working through the list of ‘concerns’ to formulate my response, I felt extremely overwhelmed as there was so much to contend with. I did lots of soul-searching and although I found it very hard to cope, I forced myself to carry on and deal with it. I do not generally believe in running away from problems and instead prefer to try and find a way through them if at all possible. I therefore thought about each of the issues raised and started to note down where I thought there might be a grain of truth in them and where I felt I could do something about them as well as where I felt that I needed more information before I could properly deal with a particular issue.  I found this process extremely tough but at that time I felt it was important to deal with the situation in as professional and honest manner as possible and to also stick closely to the policies and procedures

However, my anxiety increased when I found out from someone who I will never name, that people in my team knew that something was going on between me and my boss.  I never found out exactly who knew what, or how they found out, but obviously this was making it very difficult for me to come to work every day and act as if nothing was wrong. However, as I said, I do believe in trying to sort problems out and was still determined to do so at this point.

I waited patiently for my boss to come and see me on Weds 8^th August as promised.  She came to get me at about 12.05 and asked me to come through to her office, I asked could we not just do it in my office if it was about setting a date to talk, and she said no, and that I needed to go through to her office.  The administrator was sat in the office, and then my boss sat next to her and I sat opposite. 

My boss said that ‘having taken advice’, the meeting she had originally suggested with me and the administrator present to take notes, was ‘not appropriate’ (one of her favourite sayings), and that she had to carry out an investigation that could result in disciplinary. 

I was completely taken aback yet again (twice in a week!)  I was finding it extremely difficult to hold things together at all at this stage.  I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on making myself not look as shaky and shocked as I felt inside. I said that I had hoped to deal with the matter informally, that I had considered other options including going off sick and taking out a grievance but wanted to work to try and through the issue informally first if at all possible.  However, as she was intent on formalising the process I felt that I now had no choice but to take out a grievance.  I also said it was very difficult for me knowing that other people knew that something was going on.  She asked me who knew, and I said I didn’t know but someone in my team had let on that they had heard from someone else so I was never going to tell her who this was (especially not after what was happening to me in case they were victimised as well). 

I said I could not see a link between the list of ‘concerns’ and the Investors in People report, and that I did not want any conversations about the matter without someone else to support me being present.  My boss said she had told me in Support & Supervision that it wasn’t just about Investors in People findings and I must have not heard or remembered wrong.  She said that of course I could have support, and be allowed time to get advice etc.  She said again ‘none of this is personal’.  I responded ‘of course it’s personal.  It might not be about me as a person, but it is personal’. 

Realising she was sticking to her guns I got up to leave and said ‘can I go home now?’ my boss looked surprised at this and said that she would prefer it if I stayed at work. I said I felt this was quite difficult now especially with not knowing who knew what about me and what was being said and gave the example of using a mobile phone in a meeting as a pathetic ‘accusation’ to bring against someone; the assistant director had obviously told my boss about this even though I had apologised and accepted that it ‘did not look good’.  She said ‘I am asking you to stay at work. I asked what would happen if I felt I couldn’t, and she said she didn’t know and that she would have to ‘seek advice’ (quickly becoming one of her over-used stock phrases; shorthand for I haven’t a clue).  I then left the room. 

It was lunchtime so I left the building and rang my partner to tell him what had happened then went to buy some lunch and came back to the bulling to eat.  I was in a real state by now; my mind was in absolute turmoil, not knowing what to do or who to turn to.  I felt completely isolated but I did talk to the one colleague I trust who said kind words but was understandably at a loss as to how they could help.

After lunch, I looked up the Disciplinary policy which stated that an investigation is part of the Formal First Stage of the disciplinary process.  I was a confused by this as I thought my boss had said it ‘may result in a disciplinary’.  I rang my Union for advice and sought some clarity on this; I also asked what my options were re: not being at work.  They said either being suspended on full pay if it was a serious matter (which it wasn’t), or to go on sick leave.  Whilst I was on the phone, my boss came to see me, saw I was on the phone and went away again; I had not shut the door fully, and talked very quietly so that I wouldn’t be overheard. My boss came back a few minutes’ later and I was still on the phone.  She indicated for me to go and see her when I had finished and she then shut the door which I thought was quite ironic as one of her ‘concerns’ is that I always have the door shut.

When I finished my phone call, I printed out the disciplinary policy and went to pick it up from the photocopier.  My boss was at the door of her office just opposite.  She said could I give her a bell when I had a minute and I said we could talk now.  I expected her to tell me what the outcome was of the advice she had sought on my options for not being at work.  However, she said she wanted to know how I was.  I was dumbfounded at this (I thought it’s a bit late to ask now isn’t it?)  I told her the truth – that I was in bits, I wasn’t sleeping,  I was taking pills to help me sleep and I was finding it hard to cope.  I said what the Union had said about my options for not being at work and also fed back what I had found out re: the grievance and disciplinary processes.  I started to say that according to the Disciplinary Policy, an investigation was effectively the First formal Stage, but before I finished my sentence she said ‘yes, I think we’re looking at a disciplinary aren’t we?’ I said that’s not what she had said before and she had said it ‘may result in a disciplinary’. She denied this and said she had said it may result in ‘disciplinary action’.

I also told her that the Union said it was up to me whether to take out a grievance now or later and she said that if I did this now, it would not be dealt with before the disciplinary process was complete.  I referred her to the paragraph in the grievance procedure about overlapping grievance and disciplinary cases which states that the disciplinary process can be suspended in order to deal with the grievance... or both can be dealt with concurrently.  She told be categorically that the latter ‘would not happen’.  I therefore said I would need to think about what to do and I no longer wanted to talk about it alone with her.

By this stage I finally realised there was no way I could stay at work; I was in complete and utter turmoil and couldn’t concentrate on anything else and tried to ring my GP but couldn’t get through.  I decided to go home and try ringing the doctor again on the way; I told work colleagues I was leaving including 3 members of my team, the colleague I trust and my boss.  My boss said could she ask me one more thing and I said I’d rather she didn’t.  She said she just wanted to ask if there was any work to handover to her and I said I didn’t know (I was being honest; I really could not think about anything straight at all due to the fog in my head). 

I walked round a bit wondering if I was in a fit state to drive but I really didn’t have much option.  It was very hot so I bought a bottle of water and got in my car.  I got stuck in traffic so it took me an hour and a half to get home. I managed to speak to a doctor on my way back and he said don’t worry (sic), agreed that I obviously couldn’t work, that he would sign me off sick with immediate effect and made an appointment to see me for Friday 10^th August.

It was still sunny when I got home which was something, so I made myself some coffee and sat outside, to find my next door neighbour taking all my outdoor space up!  They did move though, and then my partner got home about 5 which was unusually early for him, so we had a good chat through everything.  It had actually dawned on me on the way home that I would not be going back to that job ever again.  My thoughts were vey incoherent but I did wonder if it was a deliberate ploy to get rid of me, but my partner seemed to think it was just pure incompetence on their part.

Despite words of wisdom from my neighbour about this being an opportunity to re-evaluate life, me being almost 50 and having a holiday coming up, I didn’t feel any better. I was extremely hyper at this stage of my illness, I felt anxious about everything as well as a number of physical symptoms including a pounding headache, stiff neck and shoulders and IBS.  I rang a friend that I was meant to meet at a food festival the following evening to cancel – the event took place in the town I worked and I literally couldn’t even contemplate going anywhere near the place – I felt physically sick at the very thought of it.

As it turned out, that day, 8^th August 2012, exactly one month before my 50^th birthday, was indeed to be my last day at work.  However, my ‘employment’ was to continue for another 12 months...

The 17 so-called ‘concerns’ raised by my boss

‘Concerns’	Notes
1.       Asking a colleague  to amend Jobcentre Plus funding application	I worked on this application way back in March 2012 and the colleague referred to was a person I worked closely with on funding bids and got on very well with; we shred and commented on each other’s work depending on our different specialist areas and I can’t imagine her complaining to the boss that I was rubbish
2.       Letter to college	This was just a complete load of rubbish; bearing in mind I was ill with a virus and had to pass on a draft of my work onto colleagues whilst I was bed-ridden it was completely unfair and tantamount to bullying to raise this as an area of concern and trying to make out I was crap at my job
3.       Involving staff	My boss tried to make out that because I had worked at home on the college tender, I had not involved my staff.  This is again complete rubbish, as I talked to them about what I was doing, sent them an early draft and planned to meet with them the following Monday (which of course I was unable to do as I was ill in bed)
4.       E-mailing the college	I tried ringing the college, was told the person I needed was in meetings, so I put my queries in an e-mail. I asked her to call back but she did not; I got an e-mail response to my comments later in the day but my this time I had been working all day on the drafts.  I told my boss all of this on my return to work and felt that was the end of it.
5.       Distancing myself from college contract	This was a huge assumption on the part of my boss which stemmed from me simply asking for clarification about some of the information that had been included about project ‘deliverables’.  I just wanted to be clear what had been discussed while I’d been off sick so that I knew exactly what we were committing to and so that I could plan for it with my team. I feel that I tried to make this clear in S&S and again I considered the matter concluded
6.       External relationships dropping off	This was just complete rubbish.  I could cite several examples of where I had liaised with senior staff in partner organisations and of facilitating dialogue between my staff and their counterparts in key agencies
7.       Ability to prioritise	This is just a joke!  I have always been extremely good at prioritising and planning work.  In the past, my boss has accused me of being ‘too planned’.  What she actually meant was, she should be able to just come and expect me to drop what I was doing, even in the midst of trying to meet several deadlines, in order to accommodate something else she suddenly decided I should be doing
8.       (giving more work to staff)	This was just absolute rubbish again.  It is possible that a member of my team had a whinge about having too much to do but I have no idea who, and they didn’t say anything to me.  I was always extremely supportive to staff with suggestions for sharing work out and making sure no one felt overloaded
9.       Taking a day off	Absolute rubbish again. It was pre-planned and booked leave as part of my holiday entitlement. It was not queried at the time as a bad day to be off work.
10.    Talking about self in S&S with my staff	And again, complete codswallop.  If a member of my staff felt this was the case, they never told me about it
11.    Using phone in meetings	Duh!  This is because my phone is also used as a PDA and includes a calendar, to-do lists etc.  I used it in meetings to make a note of things to do etc.  I think this got on the list because the Deputy Director (who is a bit dim) spotted me using my phone thus in a staff conference and passed me a note asking me to put it way which I did.  I afterwards explained to her how I use my ‘phone’ for work, apologised to her if it caused offence and considered the matter closed
12.    Working a lot with closed door	WTF! Am I not allowed to close my door if I have a big piece of work such as a funding bid or report to do?
13.    Frustration/crossness	And again, WTF! So apparently, I am not allowed to get frustrated because I care about the work and I feel others are being obstructive or argumentative?
14.    Staff saying can’t come to me if almost 4.00 p.m. /; not staying after 4	Absolute rubbish!  I used my flexi time as I was entitled to along with everyone else, to get in early – often 7.30 a.m., and liked to leave at 4 if possible to avoid rush hour traffic. My staff all knew this and were aware of my availability from the shared diary. Also, I would always stay later if there was a need to.  Ironically, I ended up building up a lot of time in lieu (TOIL) due to not always being able to leave at 4 and other factors, which I found difficult to take back due to work pressures and my boss had told me to try not to build up too much TOIL.  Make your mind up!
15.    Getting cross	See above – what’s the difference?
16.    College funding application, bearing on taking time off	If this was such a concern, why was no support offered to me to manage the workload or cope better when I returned to work after my viral illness in July?  Instead, references to me being off sick were unsympathetic and in fact, inferred it was my fault!  Also, the other issues I raised which had affected me at that time such as the floods and my  Mum being ill were totally ignored.
17.    None of this is new	Unfathomable!  If I have been this crap for this long why wasn’t I sacked or at least why was there no mention of any of it in my appraisal back in June 2012?