Part 8 - December 2012

Moss on wall

The first Sunday in December began with a beautiful frosty, sunny morning and we decided to go for a walk.  After all the recent trauma and stress and chronic sleeplessness I felt this would be a great antidote.  It was lovely to be out in the sun, but I got extremely tired very quickly so didn’t get far. Mind you, I did sleep a bit better that night but then the following night I woke up several times again, with stupid Stuff  going round my head . I told myself this was stupid as there was light at the end of the tunnel I had a plan and had made detailed notes of what i was going to say. I kept repeating the mantra to myself: ‘I WILL WIN’ but to no avail.

Twin trees – the inspiration for my art class project

 That week stayed very cold with little sun and I spent a lot of the time trying to keep warm. Even though the heating was back on, I had to wear extra socks and jumpers in the house. I managed to keep up my yoga though, and got out of the house a bit including shopping for low cost Christmas pressies and for dance class. I remembered a lot of steps from my old dance class but they taught different routines and weren’t too hot on technique which was a bit irksome.    At art class I got a bit frustrated that I’d taken my tree picture along three weeks running and not touched it.  

Twin trees – my interpretation

I got the tutor to look at it and he made some suggestions about foliage and lines (contradicting what he’d said previously) and I took the plunge and started painting on canvas.Afterwards, my art friend gave me a lift home and it sounded like things weren’t as bad with her house as she previously feared following further investigation, and was on the verge of starting to get sorted. That night, I took Temazepam and slept until 8 o’clock and realised it was getting light and my partner was still in bed so maybe the alarm didn’t go off.  There was a thick hard frost but the sunrise just visible in the East was amazing!  I’d never seen that shade of pinky red before. 

Later that day, the Counsellor rang – She kept going on about lack of confidence which was annoying as that wasn’t what I felt. She suggested we worked on anxiety management and ways forward at future sessions.  

It started snowing later and had gone even colder  and my back was hurting so I put yet another extra jumper on and started to prepare for a visit from a friend later who was due to come round for tea. However, she texted to say she wasn’t coming because her cat died. I was sad for her, but felt sorry for myself as all my recent attempts to meet up with friends had gone awry for one reason or another – I knew it was nothing personal but it got me down a bit.

Later in the week, I called on my next door neighbour as she had invited me round but there was no answer even though I rang the bell twice.  Then I tried phoning her but there was still no answer. She came round later and explained that she’d been delayed on her morning errands as she fell on the ice twice, but she seemed okay. We had a chat and a coffee which bolstered me up a bit. I had planned to go shopping in the car but decided it was too dangerous due to the icy road.  I sent e-mails to the council about gritting – I had to submit three separate requests: 1. grit road, 2. grit pavement, and 3.grit box – stupid system! 

At the start of the following week, there was a brief respite from the arctic conditions and the ice had actually melted on our street.  I took the opportunity to drive out and get the Christmas tree and do some other Christmas shopping that  I couldn’t do in town.  This took me half the day and left me absolutely shattered but at least it was done, which was just as well because the ice returned the next day and our street was frozen solid for the second week running. 

After art class that week, I told my friend about my first counselling session and she suggested I ask them to clarify if it was actually counselling, or CBT or what?  She knew about this subject so I valued her opinion on it. I asked her if things were moving along with her house. She started getting all stressed about the money and I suggested some alternatives rather than extending her mortgage in a bid to be helpful but wasn’t sure if it was.

I had tried e-mailing my Union Rep earlier in the week to organise a chat before the impending grievance hearing, but I got no reply so on the Thursday I tried ringing again – twice – and still had no response.  He eventually rang back Friday (which meant it had taken me a whole week to get hold of him) and we arranged to meet at 10.30 on Monday. During my next counselling session I explained some of the conversations I’d had and sought some clarification and it felt a bit better after that.

That evening, my partner arrived home with a weird tale from his works Christmas do. They had been for a meal in Leeds and then they went for a drink in the beer tent at the German Christmas market when it all went horribly wrong. They were on their first round when a member of their group suddenly slumped (but not to the floor) and then had a fit (standing up!) My partner called an ambulance and waited with the victim until it arrived. When we talked about it, we concurred that said person was probably on meds for epilepsy and shouldn’t have been drinking.    This is why I never mix valium and alcohol!

We had a very dossy weekend. On the Sunday, I slept in until 11 o’clock.  Wow!  The most sleep I’d had in weeks – I must have been really worn out.  However, it didn’t stop me starting to feel very anxious about the hearing (about which I had a weird dream).   My partner said he would come with me for moral support so I was able to tell my friend she didn’t need to come, but I would meet her after for lunch and tell her all about it.

The night before the grievance hearing, I took Temazepam to try to calm myself down and although I woke up lots of times I slept a decent amount in between.  I had to get up at 7 to allow myself enough time to get ready and drive there, which was a shock to the system. My partner accompanied me to a pre-meet with my Union Rep in the foyer we discussed a bit of strategy. He had nothing mind-blowing to offer, but said he would broach the possibility of a compromise agreement.  My partner went for a walkabout and the Rep and I went upstairs to the meeting room.

The meeting itself was a very arduous experience for me.  My Rep and I sat opposite the Chair and another member of the Board who was there to hear my grievance, and the administrator who was taking notes. I was asked if I minded my boss joining in as apparently she had some information she wanted to present herself.  I was absolutely gobsmacked as they obviously still had no clue what their actions had done to me.  I said I didn’t want my boss there and it turned out she was downstairs in the foyer waiting to be called. This meant that I had missed running into her by a matter of seconds. Unbelievable!

I started to voice my grievance and every time I started to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and nerves, I just looked down at my notes and read the words, having taken the trouble to highlight the key points before the meeting so I could focus my mind better. They then tried to deflect the issue with a bunch of semantics and we went round in circles for ages with them supporting my boss’ version of events and reiterating the lies she had told to cover her own back (so much for impartiality I thought, not that I expected any different).  Eventually it came towards an end and they said they would take my request for a compromise agreement back to the full Board, which sounded quite hopeful.  They said it was unlikely for anything to happen before Christmas with only one week to go so I had to try and push it out of my mind and concentrate on enjoying time out.

My partner was ensconced in an internet cafe so I went to pick him up and we were walking towards the station so he could get the train to work when he suggested getting some lunch which threw me a bit.  I really didn’t want to hang around in the town I used to work in and had already arranged to meet my friend for lunch, but I did feel a bit rotten turning him down. He walked me back to the car and I drove back home to find not only could I not get up our street due to all the work vans, BUT there was a huge hole in front of the house!  It turned out that houses on the other side of the street had an electrical fault and the guilty cable ran from outside our house. AND they said that they might have to dig the garden up to find it. I spoke to the head engineer who was very nice but I did point out that they were meant to let people know if they were digging holes on their property.  The workmen claimed to have knocked on the door but I 'weren’t in’.  I replied that they could at least have put a note through the door to explain what was happening, with contact details if I had any questions. 

In the afternoon, my good friend came round and I took her to lunch and we went to check out the Christmas decorations in the traditional pub which did not disappoint in their awesomeness, then she wanted to carry on drinking but I felt exhausted so I went home. 

I had a bad night; waking up even more than usual and sometimes lying awake for chunks of time.  I realised I was really angry; obviously a delayed reaction. THE DIRTY LYING BASTARDS!

The next day the workmen started on the hole outside very early and they knocked on the door to tell us they would indeed have to dig the garden up – great!  I went to the doctors and told them everything that had happened and got another note til 22^nd Jan and some more pills.  My sleep didn’t get any better though, but I tried really hard to put the shit behind me and concentrate on looking forward to Christmas.

Winter berries at the train station

Dance class started an hour later that week (which was a better time for me) with drinks and nibbles planned for afterwards.  When they got to the sequence bit, I went in the back room then went out for a root in the junk shop opposite which I had meant to do for weeks.  When I went back in, the oldies were doing the Okey Cokey (OMG I thought, so glad I eschewed that section of the class).   

Afterwards, we had some pink fizz and nibbles and cake – well, I say nibbles but it was quite a spread.  

I got a lift back which was nice and I did some local shopping before going home and then I was absolutely exhausted. 

We were not sure what was happening with the hole outside – a workman had appeared after a day of no progress so we were worried that the rain which had now taken over from the ice as the predominant weather feature, meant they were going to leave it for weeks. A cable had been laid but the hole still needed to be filled in. I saw a neighbour from across the road who explained a bit more about what had caused the issue. She also said there was some chalk saying ‘no parking 21/12’ seeming to suggest they were going to fill the hole but the chalk had washed off with all the rain, which was getting progressively worse.  We had visitors from New Zealand (a couple of old friends from London and their 17 year old son) who arrived in the dark.  I heard their car approaching so I went outside in the pouring rain to make sure they didn’t drive into the hole.

Sylvia Plath’s grave - A ‘must see’ tourist attraction

We had a lovely couple of days despite the crap weather.  Luckily, the rain eased off a bit on the Friday so I took them for a walk in the woods followed by lunch (the 17 year old was thrilled that he was eating Yorkshire pudding in actual Yorkshire!). We then went back into town and I showed them some local sites including the traditional pub so they could marvel at the Christmas decorations which they agreed were indeed fab. We went for another drink but some of the pubs were already rammed so we returned home before Mad Friday mayhem set in for real.  It was nice to have them here and they said that they really enjoyed themselves.    

I suggested they stay longer rather than go to her mum’s canal boat (‘a corridor in a muddy ditch’ as they called it) but they said life wouldn’t be worth living if they prevaricated any longer.  They had to wait to get the car out as some Yorkshire Water people turned up right on cue (great – now there were 2 holes dug in our road!) and I was a bit concerned that they wouldn’t get to their destination before dark, and it was still raining loads so I made them take some cake for the journey (am I turning into my mum?)

Later that weekend, my partner and I went to see some other friends and over a cuppa and mince pies we laughed a lot about the end of the world not happening on 21^st December as some doomsayers predicted, unless we were now in some weird after-life alternate reality which was strangely identical to the old one....Someone came up with a crazy idea about everything going into reverse which was quite amusing. We also made up mad local celeb baby names and my partner came up with Craftaganza Cupcake Burlesque.

Later that evening, we went out for a drink with another friend but after that uncharacteristic burst of sociability, we had a very dossy Christmas during which we became almost hermit-like, which was just as well as my partner had another cold (as is traditional).  We ate and drank lots and gave each other lovely pressies.  We watched loads of films and too much telly (high spot of which had to be Brad Pitt’s ad for Chanel no. 5 - ‘inevitable’ - you can actually see the exact second when his soul dies!)

I found it really hard to get up in the mornings during this time. It could have been because of the awful grey drizzly weather meaning it was nearly always dark. I was also out of practice with the overeating lark and so lethargy set in big time.  On the bright side, all the drinking raised my alcohol tolerance so I did not suffer too badly from hangovers!  We did manage to get out of the house a little bit, but only for short walks and the odd pint. As the year drew to a close, we were hit by near blizzard conditions and when we went into town, people were walking round looking thoroughly miserable which was a laugh. 

For NYE we considered various options, most of which we deemed a grim prospect in the awful weather, so we just had a nice dinner at home then met up with a friend and had a few drinks in town. I wasn’t bothered about staying out until 12 as that NYE lark is all hype and usually dreadful anyway. I became aware for the first time of the weird phenomenon of dressing up just to go round pubs – a trend which had eluded me up to this point.  As it turned out, we ended up in our local pub and chatted to a few people, had a few beers, a couple of sambucas and a Jaeger and got quite drunk in the end.

Hence New Year’s Day was quiet, although I have had ones where I felt much worse!  We also found out that my partner’s mum had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He was liaising with his sister who still lives near his parents to sort stuff out and I offered to help if I could, to drive him over to visit or whatever, but he didn’t seem to want me to so I decided to wait and see what developed.  After all, I had enough to worry about already and was expecting the official response from my grievance hearing now that the holidays were over.

A suitably grey and grim end to 2012

Part 7 - November 2012

Bubble in the sand at Blackpool beach

The day of our planned trip to Blackpool did not start well. I’d had a terrible night with hardly any sleep and was in a very bad mood in the morning which wasn’t helped by my partner saying ‘stop worrying about it’ which I took to mean stop  worrying about ‘the shit’ which as we have discussed before, wasn’t necessarily the case. This made me really angry as I had actually made a massive effort to push negative stuff out of my head the previous night so that I could concentrate on enjoying a trip to the seaside.  When I calmed down a bit, he said that he just meant don’t worry about it today, so I had to admit I had over-reacted. I said sorry and we focused on our trip.

Red phone boxes in Blackpool

We had an enjoyable afternoon in Blackpool then made our way to the guesthouse that we had booked via LateRooms. It was owned by 2 guys (business partners) and one of them made us a coffee which we drank in the bar area then he took us up to the room. We had paid an extra fiver for the ‘deluxe room’ which basically it meant it had a bay window. Later on, we went to look at the illuminations and had dinner and a few drinks, while spending much of the evening dodging the lashing rain – what fun!

When we got back to the guesthouse, the bar was full of people in onesies which I thought was a bit odd. We were offered a free drink so had a whiskey and chatted to the owners and some other guests. The proprietors were very proud of the fact that they had 5 stars on TripAdvisor and after listening to some of their anecdotes, we came to the conclusion that this was more to do with the fact that people are too scared to write a bad review rather than the actual quality of the establishment.  Apparently, they were ‘at war’ with a guest house round the corner who had won ‘Four in a Bed’ and they were not very complimentary about their rivals.  They told us a cautionary tale of how they had chased someone down the street for giving a bad review and I began to get a little bit afraid...

A desolate Fleetwood

During the night, there was a storm and mad hailstones kept hitting the bay window. Breakfast was large and actually quite good, but we were glad to check out and leave soon after 10 as we were badgered again to make sure we put a good review on TripAdvisor. ‘Yeah, sure,’ we said, literally running out of the door. We spent the day in Fleetwood, just because we had never been before.  The weather was absolutely atrocious - we took photos of the desolation and bought some stuff in the very excellent market.

The Weather was equally rubbish when we got back home, and the river was almost full which was worrying! My partner insisted on walking through the muddy park (first time since the horrendous journey home in the floods in July and I did not enjoy it). 

That night I slept a bit better but woke up with a sore throat and felt terrible. I knew that I would catch my partner’s cold and the freezing conditions of the Fylde coast made it even more inevitable I daresay.  The fireworks display was on that night which we always went out for so I was not pleased to be missing it.   We made a discovery though – just after our dinner we heard the fireworks start. We got up to look out of the window and to our surprise; we got quite a good view so we saw the display after all! I’d never thought to look before as I always assumed we wouldn’t be able to see them from the house. 

By the Monday, I felt no better. I had some mail to open that had arrived while we were away (this was now an established pattern, with mail arriving at the end of the week so I had to fight the urge to  fret about what was in it all weekend).  There was a letter from my boss saying that following the investigation there was not going to be any disciplinary but suggesting a meeting. Silly bitch, I thought!    After causing me all this grief, and being none the wiser about what exactly had triggered it all, she just expected me to go and talk to her about going back to work as if nothing had happened!  I went back to bed to try and focus on getting physically fit but my mind was churning and I really needed to deal with it. Now that the ridiculous investigation had ended and with it the threat of disciplinary, it was time to submit the grievance.

By mid week my cold felt less worse. I composed my grievance letter carefully, pointing out exactly how they had breached their own policies and procedures and how their treatment of me had made me ill. I had a chat to my partner which was helpful in terms of thinking through what I was doing. He was concerned that taking out a grievance would prolong the agony, but I knew that I had to do it; if I let it drop I would not feel miraculously cured of my stress and if later it turned out I had a case to go to Employment Tribunal (ET), I had to show that I had followed all the internal procedures first.

We had a relaxed weekend getting over the end of our colds and the following week I kept myself busy while I was waiting for a reply from work(I had only received an acknowledgement off the Chair so expected it to be a few more days until I got a date for a meeting). After I got over my cold, I seemed to sleep better but reverted to type after a couple of nights and one night I had  a horrid dream about zombies at work which made me even more determined to try and distract myself. I continued with the bath salts and body scrubs experiments (with mixed results) and also started making Christmas cards.  I had found a pack of blank cards in a charity shop and I thought it would be easy using these as a basis for a design but it turned out to be very time-consuming.

My Still life a la Matisse!

In art class I had started a painting of trees as my personal project and we had also done some more still lifes – I joked ‘I is done a Matisse’ (ha! Ha!). I had chats with my friend after class. She was really stressed about her house again as there was potential damage under the floor and she also had a cold. 

I was concerned that she was trying to do too much at once but she didn’t see any point in taking time off work as her house was not in a pleasant state to be hanging around in. Not for the first time, I said she was welcome anytime to stay over at ours or just come for dinner – I knew she valued her own space but I felt that she could have used some respite.  I updated her on my situation; and she reckoned my employers didn’t have a clue what they were doing.

          
My partner and I talked quite a lot around this time which was good, mainly about how my illness was progressing (including the pros and cons of valium and how ridiculous the whole process of getting decent drugs legally is and how retarded the chemist next to the GP surgery is and how the doctors is kind of expecting me to get depression due to the stupid way in which they treat stress and anxiety)   and also about what he would like to do instead of working at that awful Nazi Kafka-esque college; he’d had offers of work but not of the right kind. I was still not in a position to do any serious thinking about what I wanted to do in the future.  My immediate plan was to delay any decisions until the New Year and then to decide things such as whether to resign or hold out for more money and then think of what to do in the future. I had some ideas but nothing concrete with a guaranteed income.

We had a trip out to Canon Mills in Bradford for a new quilt and pillows. We used to go there loads when we lived round the corner, but it was ages since we last visited.  It is now called Canon Mills Shopping Village and I kind of expected to see some changes with that grand name  but no; it was exactly the same as it always was, except the buildings were now even more decrepit and predictably there were more lovely Asian fashions for sale.  I only counted four other white people apart from us.  That combined with a visit to Mumtaz complete with jolly music and severe overeating, made visiting Bradford a bit like going on holiday (except with rubbish scenery and a biting wind). I was very tired and achy when I got home, it being the furthest I’d driven for 3 months!

In mid November I started going to a new dance class in Sowerby that a neighbour told me about. The studio was very near the station so easy to get to, but the 12 noon start time proved difficult, especially as it was a three and a half hour round trip all told. The class itself seemed okay at first, despite me being the youngest person there. After 2 straight forward dances they went into a Pasadoble with seemingly no warning! This is a hard dance which I had never done before so I got very lost.  Then there was something called a sweetheart waltz which starts very oddly then goes into basic waltz steps – I decided that I’m not old enough for this sequence dance lark!  I had a chat to the teacher after and said that I would just do the ballroom and Latin in future – this also worked out better for train times.  I didn’t get home til almost 3 and was absolutely starving!  Also, it was the same day as art class so I basically had time to eat, have a rest and recuperate from the physical exertions before needing to be off out again.

Despite all my creative distractions, I felt quite a lot more anxious again, exacerbating my sleep problems. I was still waiting for a letter from work, two weeks after I submitted my grievance and I still hadn’t seen the ‘investigation report’.  Apparently, my boss was getting approval from the Personnel Committee to pass it onto me which I thought was ludicrous not to mention a conflict of interest seeing as my boss chaired the committee .What a load of shit!  I wondered if it was delaying tactics hoping that I would run out of time to go to ET if they left it too long.

I also did some reflecting on the lack of intellectual activities I had been doing and started to wonder if I would go more stupid.  Then I thought about all the things I had been doing which do require the use of my brain, even if it wasn’t exactly in the same way.  For example, painting, crafting, Photoshop work, making bath salts and scrubs (which is science really isn’t it?  ) I was also reading a book about Hypatia (worth looking up!) which I found quite stimulating – I liked her idea of inner spirituality even thought I am not sure if I believe it; it is a very inclusive and humanist philosophy.  I wished I could feel inspired to do more writing but it was quite rare for me to feel like doing creative writing and even when I had ideas, the development of them was just beyond me at that time as it required too much brain power and made my head hurt (as it still does). So other than my journal and some small amusing pieces which I posted on my blog, I struggled.

As it turned out, a letter from the Chair arrived attached to an e-mail,  sent via the administrator (which annoyed me because at least when they arrived by normal post I could choose whether to read it there and then or leave the envelope unopened until I felt ready). There was no suggested date for a meeting as I had expected, but instead they asked for further clarification re: my grievance. In particular, it was obvious that my boss had lied (as I had anticipated) about the conversation we had on 8^th August and denied that she told me that if I took out a grievance at that time, it would not be heard until the disciplinary process was complete.

I was even more convinced that they were using delaying tactics.  I left a message for the Union Rep then started to draft a reply to the letter but felt I really needed to speak to the Rep first.  In the evening I showed my partner the letter and my draft response and we had a bit of a chat.  He said their request seemed pretty ‘standard’ and we got into a bit of an argument about whether I had a case to go to ET.  I got upset and he asked me what I wanted and I said I really need ‘them’ to admit they had NOT followed procedures and acknowledge what they had done to me.  I felt extremely stressed and couldn’t wind down as I normally try to before nighttime so I looked up grounds for ET on the internet and found out that my situation came under a couple of headings including ‘breach of trust’.

After a particularly bad night despite valium and meditation, the long-awaited investigation report arrived in the mail the following day.  There was also a covering letter from my boss and an ‘action plan’.  The report was a load of vague rubbish, very badly written, with still no actual evidence or dates. It hardly even addressed the initial list of 17 ‘concerns’ and contained quite a lot of new information but none of the information I gave to the DD at the meeting in October.  It was blatantly apparent that my work colleagues had been given free reign to attack me and some of the things they said about me were unbelievably petty. 

The letter also contained new items which were a direct attack on an area of work which I was very conscientious about, and in which I was definitely more competent and knowledgeable about than my idiot of a boss! Astoundingly, she expected that now I had the report my ‘anxieties (would) be alleviated’ and I would feel able to return to work!  Was she mad?  This made me feel even worse!  I showed my partner the letter and report which he agreed was complete cobbled together garbage and concurred that by adding things while I was off sick was totally out of order.

I tried contacting the Union Rep again and whist waiting for his reply, I started to draft a response to the report but I really needed to find out if I could amend my grievance to address the new information. Not for the first time, I felt totally blindsided.  It was Friday and I had a dilemma as to whether to carry on with my response or try to forget about it and enjoy my weekend.  I was so anxious that I was physically shaking as I was writing, my legs were literally quivering, my neck was throbbing and my heart rate had increased significantly. It was very difficult to forget about it especially as I didn’t know if the Union Rep was going to ring back and I felt that I wouldn’t relax until I had some advice and some direction for what I should do next.

In the end, I did carry on writing to get it out of my head and onto paper and I tried ringing the Union again but to no avail.  In the evening my good friend came round and I told her all about it.  She could tell how agitated I was; she said it was like I had gone back to how I was when all this started back in August. 

We went out for a drink which helped, we chatted about our trip to Birmingham planned for the following day and a bit later, my partner arrived straight from work and we chatted to a few people we knew and talked about philosophy (inspired by Hypatia). 

Sightseeing in Birmingham

Our trip to Birmingham was pretty good.  We went for a special concert by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel – whole of first 2 albums for anyone who’s a fan, complete with full orchestra and choir – awesome! Steve Norman from Spandau Ballet turned up as a special guest as well.  After, we went for a drink in a Tap n Spile which was the closest thing to an actual pub amidst the Saturday night disco hideousness and marvelled at the lower room which looked like it had been preserved as an authentic 1980’s pub experience.   

The court building in Birmingham

The next day we wandered around a bit looking at the cathedral and some architecture and marvelling at lack of Sunday morning opening – obviously everyone goes to church instead of shopping or sightseeing (ha! Ha!).  We also went to the museum when it finally opened and saw loads of art including the Saxon Horde and ’Revealed’ – the Government  Art collection exhibition which was very good.

There was flooding in the South West that day, so our train was cancelled and we had to wait an hour for the next one.  Then of course the train was completely packed, but at least we got home and it could have been worse, and we consoled ourselves by the fact that we would be entitled to a refund.  I was knackered when we got home and that night although I still kept waking up as usual, when I was asleep it was quite deep, probably because I was so tired.

On the Monday I felt awful again of course, and tried to distract myself chatting to friends but was on edge til Union Rep finally rang in the afternoon. After harping on in the past about getting me back to work, he finally conceded there was no way I could go back now after what had transpired and we came up with a plan. I was on the phone for ages and after the call, I was utterly drained! Not surprising with the heightened stress, severe sleep deprivation and being away at the weekend which was lovely but knackering. I could hardly keep my head up so went to bed early and took Temazepam, and had a really good night’s sleep – 7 hours in one go - hurray! 

The next day I finished my letter to the Chair taking account of the advice from the Union.  I started to feel a bit better after that and quite positive that I would win as I didn’t see how they could demonstrate their behaviour was reasonable – sending me more lists of things I was crap at without taking account of my response to the initial concerns, what it had done to me and what a state I was in.  That night, I got a real bad anxiety attack at bedtime.  I told myself it was stupid and kept saying to myself ‘I am going to win’ but it didn’t stop loads of shit going through my head and it took ages to get to sleep and then only in fitful bursts. 

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, the bloody central heating packed in at the end of November. And of course the temperature had plummeted to sub zero right on cue so the house was freezing! I arranged for an engineer to come out and he got the boiler working but said it needed a new PCB and he’d come and put it in the next morning.  I had arranged to go with my art friend to Valley of Lights, which was a bit of a fiasco as it turned out.  She was coming straight from work and was stuck in traffic so I waited around watching telly (including said VoL on Look North - this town needs more media coverage of course!) then she rang to say she was in town and I went to meet her outside the Town Hall.  Nightmare!  I couldn’t go down the usual route as it was blocked off so I had to fight the crowds through the square just as the stupid parade was going through.  I managed to find her and she decided the street food was crap so we went in the pop up pub for dinner which was quite nice but pricey. 

My partner was due to meet us but he was delayed on a train.  We went to look at the street market and then my friend declared she was too cold to hang around waiting for my partner so I suggested going to a pub but she didn’t want to, and she decided to go  home.  I was a bit narked as I’d only gone out because she wanted to and I was going back to a freezing cold house.  Also, as I’d had a pint, I couldn’t take valium that night so I decided to get more beer on the way home.  I saw another friend in the shop and she invited me up to her house but I was too angry and tired so I declined.

I had an even worse night after that, but at least the gas engineer came early the next day as promised to put a new PCB in and so the heating was back on!  That evening I went to the official re-opening of our local pub.  Had quite a nice sociable time and drank rather a lot and consequently had quite a deep sleep to end the week on – thank you alcohol! 

Part 6 - October 2012

Autumn colours

At the beginning of October, I attended the meeting in relation to the ‘investigation’ in Dewsbury.  The night before, I took a Temazepam as I didn’t want to get anxious overnight.  It calmed me down a bit but I still had the usual pattern of waking up regularly.  I travelled by train as I still couldn’t face driving by myself and met the Union Rep at the station at the other end.  We had a few minutes before the appointment time but no-one answered the buzzer to let us into the meeting room which meant we had to chat in the lobby.

Up to this point, the Union hadn’t asked for any details about what I was being accused of and only now did the Rep ask to look at the list of ‘allegations’ against me.  He asked me about the 17^th point: ‘None of this is new’. This made me realise he was not going to be much of a support to me.  I gritted my teeth and explained that I had made notes detailing my response to all the ‘charges’ including that one (which he showed no interest in reading), and I reiterated that if I was so crap at my job why had nothing been said or done about it before?

The meeting was hosted by my boss’ side-kick, the Deputy Director and the administrator was there to take notes.  At the outset, the DD came out with some platitudes to the effect that will people had said a lot of negative things about me during the investigation,  that there were some positives. Hang on, I thought, was she going to launch into another attack on me based on her gathering more information from my so-called colleagues without me having my say? I interjected and said I was still digesting the original list of 17 ‘areas of concern’ and what about my right to reply to these first before coming up with more? I then proceeded to give my side of the story, using the notes I had written but had so far not been given the chance to pass onto anyone.  It was very difficult for me to sit there and do this but I really felt I had to do it.

As predicted, the Union Rep was no use whatsoever; he hardly even spoke during the meeting, let alone stuck up for me.  Having never had to call on Union intervention before I wasn’t sure if this was normal but he seemed to be just observing and making sure policies were being followed (my partner refers to these sorts of people as ‘plodders’). 

On the walk back to the station, I told the Rep that regardless of their actions now, my employer had already contravened policies by telling me that I could not take out a grievance before the disciplinary process was complete.  He told me this was in contravention to ACAS guidelines. I said I knew that, but we might as well let them do their stupid investigation now they’d started, as taking out a grievance at that stage would hold up proceedings. Also, I still needed to know what ‘evidence’ they were going to come up with and details such as exactly who had said what and dates when instances were meant to have occurred so I could respond fully.

I was absolutely knackered when I got home, with a thumping headache and very achy shoulders.  I had expected it to tire me out though; just physically being in a meeting was draining, let alone having to relive the horrid episode that had made me ill in the first place!

I hardly slept at all that night despite being exhausted and taking 3 quiet life pills. I got up about 3 a.m. and tried to think things through to see if that would put my mind at rest but it didn’t help much.  The next day I needed to send some notes to the administrator at work based on what I’d said at the meeting and this took me quite a long time. 

My sleep pattern remained disturbed all week and when I mentioned it to my partner one morning he told me to stop fretting about stuff – I tried to explain again that it was more complex than that; I didn’t necessarily wake up thinking about the shit every time but that it was more to do with extreme anxiety and high levels of chemicals in my brain. 

Post-flood woods

Anyway, I couldn’t do anything about the shit until I got the notes from the meeting and the ‘investigation’ report so I tried to keep my mind off it by being busy.  I spent some time with friends and tried to write some funny blogs (but found it very hard to keep this up) and started experimenting with making body scrub. It was gorgeous weather that weekend and we spent a lot of it out and about. We walked in the Woods and spent an enjoyable time wandering around the post-flood altered landscape and investigating bits of pottery that had surfaced.

Archaeology finds

We decided it looked better – loads of crud had gone from the ponds although the ducks had also scarpered due to lack of food probably.

We also visited a few pubs including one which had just re-opened and spent some time catching up with people and getting the gen on what was happening with other closed pubs. All the activity made me very tired again – but in a good way for a change.

I then had the aromatherapy massage to look forward to on the following Monday which was very nice indeed.  It made me very sleepy though and when I got home I was really cold as well so I  went up to bed for a rest but some workmen outside were making loads of noise which was annoying and made it very hard to sleep.

In the evening we went out for our friends’ birthday which was lovely but when I got home I was absolutely shattered and had aches in my back, neck and shoulder from the massage.  I had a disturbed night again and the next day I was forced into driving my car to help a friend in need. She texted to say that she thought she had broken her foot and asked if I would take her to A&E. I was a bit worried about driving after such a long gap and being so tired but needs must. 

It was okay as it turned out.  My friend had torn a ligament in her foot but nothing broken.  Obviously I was sorry that she had hurt herself but it did make me use the car and I felt like I had taken a step forward.

Later that week I had tons of hassle caused by having to change my doctor’s appointment due to a clash with the aromatherapy session.  When I had originally rang to cancel, the best they could do before my sick note ran out was to book me in for a telephone appointment.  On the morning that the call was due, I made sure the ringer on my phone was turned up to full volume, it was by my side at all times and I even took it with me when I went to the loo.  So how I managed to miss the call I have no idea! 

I then had to wait for the duty doctor to ring back and then she hardly asked me any questions – just about sleeping. She gave me no useful suggestions to help at all and would only sign me off for 2 weeks as she hadn’t seen me.  What a palaver! I wrote a letter to my boss to accompany the sick notes as I didn’t want them thinking that I was going back to work in a fortnight.

I also tried that e-couch lark the counselling people suggested.  What a load of rubbish!  My questionnaire responses indicated that I had ‘high levels of Anxiety’ (no shit Sherlock!) and told me to go see a GP or counsellor.  The CBT ^I Toolkit was completely crap and the rest of the website was full of obvious advice. On the plus side, I did learn a bit about different drugs.

Autumnal still life with fruit

Again, I tried to distract myself with other activities.  There was a lot of art involved one way or another.  I had done a terrible still life in art class (my pumpkin was quite good but the aubergine looked like a warped bunch of grapes) but I knew I could do better so I started to paint another one.   

On the Saturday our friend drove us all to Tate Liverpool for an exhibition and we had a lovely day out.   After perusing the excellent exhibition and buying the obligatory postcards, we did some sightseeing at the docks, and then went for a beer at The Pumphouse.  Later, we drove across town to look at the 'bombed out church' and had a rather nice meal in Chinatown.

Arty beer bottles at Albert Dock, Liverpool

The following week had a really bad start.  When I tried to get up on the Monday morning I felt really fuzzy and it was hard to stand up as my legs felt dead stiff, my elbows really hurt, my eyes just wouldn’t open properly and I generally felt rubbish.  I tried to sleep again but couldn’t so I got up about 10 even though I really didn’t feel like doing anything.  I had no motivation at all and it also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea how long I was going to be in this state of never feeling well. I decided to do some research on the internet which turned out to be inconclusive – the bottom line was that I could be ill for several weeks or several months or even years.  Well, that’s helpful then!

 I really had to ring my Mum. I had been avoiding it as I still didn’t know what to say without telling the truth while explaining why I hadn’t been to see her.  It was her Birthday that week so she would really notice if I didn’t at least call her.  I told her I had a post-viral thingy as I reckoned she would buy that as an explanation, with the symptoms being quite similar to stress. Interestingly, she second-guessed I might not go back to work which would later ease the shock when that transpired to come true in real life!

I went back to my art work and also got an idea for a theme for a calendar and played around with photos and my paintings and started making some collages in Photoshop. This was turning into quite an engrossing distraction as I was getting interested in exploring how learning to paint was influencing my photo-based creations and vice versa. 

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get more Temazepam as the doctors seem paranoid that you are going to get hooked on valium, but thank goodness they did give me more on my next visit.  Although these pills didn’t guarantee undisturbed sleep, they did calm me down somewhat and appeared to be the only thing that made any difference at all to the quality of my sleep and I was willing to settle for that even if it was only in two hour bursts.  I really did wish sometimes that I could take them every day, but I knew that was the road to addiction, same as if I started going to the pub every day( welcome as alcohol-induced stupors are, it would be a really bad idea). I think it was coincidence but I happened to switch to a different doctor around this time who would prove to be very supportive over the next few months.

While I had to contend with sleep deprivation and feeling rubbish for most of the time, a pattern was emerging of feeling extra crap on a Monday and I started to feel quite depressed about it.  I originally put this down to having nice weekends when I could enjoy being out and about doing different things, spending time with my partner and other friends and suppressing my negative thoughts and I thought, maybe it was just the come down from that.  Also, it did (and still does) make me very tired, same as doing anything active. But I began to wonder if there was more to it.  Was it to do with drinking at the weekends and not drinking during the week?  Was it because even though I couldn’t go to work (and didn’t want to after what had happened to me)  I kind of missed it, in the sense of having something to get up for?  Or was it the thought of having a week alone stretching ahead of me?

I really didn’t know but by the end of October I was getting really fed up with it.   And to top it all, I had to chase up my employer as I still hadn’t received their ‘investigation report’ almost a month after the meeting. I sent an e-mail to the administrator asking when I could expect the report and took the opportunity to comment on the meeting notes which had arrived mid-October and I’d put off reading  as I just couldn’t face  all 9 pages of it when it landed on the doormat.  I got an auto-response as she was on holiday all week which was extremely annoying having spent half the morning writing the bloody message!

It was half term and my partner had taken some time off work to do some jobs round the house, but ended up having a cold. Typical!  Not only did this mean my sleep was even more disturbed by his coughing and wheezing during the night, but of course I caught the dam thing as well.  Before it took proper hold of me though we had a strange trip to Blackpool...