Part 36 – April 2015

Trip boat dog

On 1^st April I made the effort to rise earlier, despite cold wind and rain.  We left the house together at 10.25 (a record for me since the onset of my illnesses, apart from when forced).  I went to the next town for posh nosh and seasonal lamb.  I visited all the butchers in the market in search of the best deal.  At one stall, yer man chatted to a punter about a relative’s hospital experiences, apparently oblivious to the queue that had formed.  I got sick of waiting and went elsewhere.

Husband day care

On my way to the supermarket, I spotted a humorous ‘husband crèche’ sign outside a pub.  

I arrived back at noon which again was unprecedented.  After finalising my 'memoirs' for March I baked a beetroot and chocolate cake.   When my partner got home I had to stop him eating the cake immediately.

That night, I struggled to sleep so much that I became close to tears of frustration.  Despite thinking stuff through again and examining if I was fretting about anything in particular, I came to no conclusions.  I eventually slept but was disturbed by weird dreams (none of which I remembered).

The next morning my partner rushed around.  I felt harassed and asked him: “why didn’t you tell me you were in a hurry?” He made no answer, so I let it go.  Then we laughed at the stupid chicken on the opposite side of the canal making plaintive noises, as it frequently did. 

In the afternoon, I covered the cake with chocolate and mini eggs before my friend with the interesting ailments visited.  That evening I got ready to go out and meet a couple of friends.  However, they both texted to say they were unwell.  I had been looking forward to socialising and felt sorry for myself, but reasoned that it couldn’t be helped.  I made separate, alternative arrangements with both friends. 

Black Prince does a selfie

On Good Friday, my partner was tired and out of sorts.  I tried cheering him up with jokes and a calorific breakfast.  Despite the wet weather,   we headed up the hill for the Traditional Play. 

Our friend who used to live down the road had commandeered a bench which I stood on to get a good view.  It was the first time in years I’d actually been able to hear the words! 
We had lots of laughs, especially when the Black Prince took a selfie with a young woman and my partner got threatened with a sword by The King.  We retired to the pub to  dry out after being drizzled on.  We then walked down the hill for a pint in the community pub.

In the evening, I found it hard to keep my eyes open and slept in later the next day.  I thought my partner was downstairs and called to him.  He said I had chucked him out of bed for snoring which I apologised for even though I was not sure it was true.  Luckily, he found it funny. 

We watched telly and took the mickey out of Faturday Kitchen. Later, I went to the bead shop for some bits and asked her a couple of questions.  When I got back, I suggested my partner made a start on drilling holes for the washing line fixings.  While he was outside, a neighbour mentioned we had graffiti on the side of the house – mindless teenage scribbling in fact.  A group of lads had been hanging about and returned later in the evening as we settled down for a post-dinner drink.  My partner went out on the hunt, when I heard them on the steps.  I shouted out of the bathroom window for them to ‘piss off’.  They did.  They had set up chairs at the top of the steps which I moved up against the wall and called my partner to come in and stop stressing me out.

Calvary

Thankfully, the lovely weather stayed with us for the following week. Easter Sunday we set off on a walk up the hill opposite, through the woods and then down along the canal where we stopped for a couple of pints at the canalside pub i. 

Back at home, we drank red wine and I managed to knock my glass all over the sofa.  I realised I had overdone the drinking and went to bed.



Monday morning, I felt terrible – fatigued and achy.  I really wanted to stay in bed.  However, I made an effort to get up and gradually started to feel marginally better. 

Ironic Morris dancing

In the afternoon we went into the packed town centre.  We watched some terrible ironic Morris dancing in the square then retreated to the park for some quiet.  We strolled round before returning in search of lunch.  

 However, everywhere seemed to have run out of actual food.  As we crossed over the bridge, they were about to launch the plastic ducks.  We hung around and I got an awesome photo of the actual launch.  

My partner suggested following them down the river.  I knew it would be a thankless task and I was right.  

Duck launch

We started making our way homewards and had lunch in the cafe bar ’garden’.  Some people with a baby arrived.  My partner went out front to smoke.  It had gone chilly in the shade of the back yard so I said if we can’t smoke, we might as well sit inside. 

When I went out front for a cig it still felt hot and sunny.   When we returned home, I pottered in the garden but got tired again after a short while.  

By Tuesday, I finally started to ‘recover’ from the weekend.  I spent most of the day cleaning inside and outside the house.  Meanwhile, my partner finished drilling and installed the washing line fixings.  Afterwards, he had achy arms and I was inevitably fatigued from the activity.

Iridescent cloud

We messed about with musical instruments and I demonstrated my rendition of ‘Zombie’ by the Cranberries on guitar.  He found a video on the internet which helped but of course he could play it straight away even though he had never played the chords before. 
We then decided to make an effort to go out.  We visited our old local for a couple of pints and caught up with a few pals.  As the evening sun waned, I spotted an iridescent cloud overhead.

Back home I noticed the garden spade had been nicked from outside the house.  The next morning I stuck a note up asking the culprit to return it.  Later that day, I chatted to a neighbour about the theft and she told me that she had statuettes of fairies nicked from her garden.  She volunteered to be the unofficial ‘neighbourhood watch’ person.

Spring lambs

On Wednesday, we caught a bus up the road and walked up one of our favourite cloughs and hiked back down to the outskirts of the next town, spotting new spring lambs on the way. ii

That night, I had a decent sleep including one lump of five hours which felt great.  I rose early and laughed at the news about a kidnapped dog that rescued itself by flagging down an RSPCA van and jumping in! 

Although sunny again, the morning brought a chill in the air and smog.  I helped my partner install the washing line and test it with heavy towels .  As luck would have it, Mrs. Frosty Knickers from up the road was having carpets fitted.  The van thus blocked the street at the exact point where our washing lines crossed.  I asked the fitter to move and he very nicely did so, but not before Mrs. Frosty Knickers and her mum protested in true self-entitled fashion.

In the afternoon I tried sitting out in the sun but it was too busy and noisy and a car was parked hard by the bench. I gave up and went indoors for meditation and a rest instead.

In the evening we met my art pal in the wine bar.  She told us about the travails with her ex who was ‘squatting’ the house while she was still paying half the mortgage meaning she would have to take it to court.  Our friend who used to live down the road was there with a couple of mates including her art teacher friend. We chatted to them briefly about voting and art classes. My pal did not fancy any of the current regular classes, but we said we might team up at an art workshop in the near future. 

On Friday morning I started exercising before realising that perhaps it wasn’t a great idea  due to the smog .   During the day I pottered in the garden and pulled the bench out a bit so I would have more space.  I chatted to our next door neighbour.  I told her about my late brother and caught up on her health news. We agreed that mental health services were rubbish.  

Tiny blue bird

The next day we had a walk up the nearby clough, pausing at intervals, including to watch a tiny blue bird hopping about near the stream.  The wild garlic was emerging and we picked some en route.  At the top of the clough, we ate a picnic then walked along the top path.  

We remarked on the meaningless signs that cluttered the way – none of them said where the route actually took you.  It suddenly became windy and cold so we headed back down the valley.

Meaningless signs

We came across an elderly man with a dog who started chatting to us about the hydro electric dam project (TMI to be honest).   Our legs really ached afterwards.  

The next two nights, I struggled to sleep for ages.  Exhausted, I lay there with random stuff going through my head and gave up trying to make sense of it.

Sunday morning, I found it very hard to move my legs.  I spent the day repairing and making jewellery, sorting winter/summer clothes and dyed some clothes black.  Meanwhile, my partner tried to get his raspberry pi to work but did not have the correct HDMI lead.  


I apologised for buying him a crap present.  He replied that it was a good idea; he just had to learn how it worked.  I remarked on the irony seeing as they are meant to be for kids learning about computing!

The following week, I was motivated by the mainly fine weather to carry on spring cleaning.  Some of the tasks made me very fatigued and I took several breaks and afternoon naps, even sleeping a couple of times.  

Monday evening, I rang mum.  She sounded the same and rambled on for ages about her legs, her back etc.  I tried once more to instil some motivation in her to do stuff but to no avail as usual. 

On guitar, I played a few songs to see how many I could play without looking.  I was quite pleased at how ‘zombie’ was sounding and even had the bottle to play in front of a friend later in the week.  I didn’t receive encouraging words however, and vowed not to try that again for a while.

Daffodils in the memorial gardens

The next day, I had a dental check-up in the next village.  The bus arrived early and I killed time looking at spring flowers and poetry in the memorial gardens.

On Wednesday we received an election missives from our local Tory MP – ‘making a stronger Britain’ for us personally.  My partner posted his on social media and got a couple of comments.
  

I scanned my copy later and posted it with a personal message to him: “eff off!”  I finished an ‘election bingo’ card I had been working on and posted that too.  I got retweeted by #GE2015 which made my day.

In the afternoon, I had aromatherapy.  She noticed the tension in my neck and told me to take it easy and even said “no washing up”.  I didn’t dare tell her about all the cleaning I had been doing.

At night, I fell asleep relatively quickly but woke lots in the early hours and the next morning I felt terrible, like I hadn’t slept at all and had to force myself to get up.    I texted my walking friend to say I was too fatigued for a walk but invited her round for an ‘indoor picnic’.  

When she arrived, we chatted about my fatigue amongst other things.   She suggested that my symptoms could be menopausal and I posited that as they were mixed up with the mental stuff, it was hard to tell.   I had broached the subject with my GP in the past but she had said “let’s sort out the depression first”.  That was ages ago so maybe it was time to re-visit the theory?

Inevitably, she tried again to get me to go for a walk but I was genuinely too tired and knew there was no way I would make it out again that evening if I did.  After she left, I had a rest but failed to sleep.  Despite my fatigue, I dragged myself to the first drawing class of the summer term.  We started off with the same exercises as the previous term, going round the room and drawing on each other’s sketch of a still life. 

An amusing anecdote: Last term I got quite pally with one of the guys in the drawing class.  When I got to the drawing he had started, the teacher (who is called Dorothy) came up and pointed out that a line apparently depicting the side edge of a cube was too long.  When I looked closely, it seemed that it had been drawn correctly originally, then someone else had made it longer.  I asked “should I rub it out?  I bet he got it right to start with and someone else added that... he wouldn’t get it wrong.”   She replied “Do what you want; it’s your drawing now”.  I rubbed the line out. 

At the end of the exercise, he (who is gay but not particularly camp) was enraged that his drawing had been altered.  I explained that the teacher had told me to shorten the line of the cube.  “It’s not the cube; it’s the table” he replied.  Another student then said it was her that had altered it originally.  The teacher came over to see what we were arguing about.  I explained and said”Dorothy told me off for altering the picture...” it took me a few moments to realise my faux pas. “I meant the guy” I said.  He turned round and said “ooh!  Call me Dorothy!’  I apologised profusely and was glad that he had seen the funny side.  I was even gladder that it was break time so I could leave the room and have a good laugh in private.

Despite having a similar sleep pattern, I felt loads better the next day.  While watching TV and reading news, we laughed a lot including at some owls that spotted a camera near their nest with amusing results.

My partner got home super early that evening.  I suggested going out.  However, he was too tired and it became cold again outside.  In fact, I got fed up towards the end of the week when the weather news reported on the lovely weather.   Despite some fine and dry sunny spells, we had a lot of cloud, wind and downright parky periods.  But of course it was scorchio in London – 24 degrees apparently.  Conversely we had experienced smog the previous week (as we did April 2014) yet this only got reported when it affected London.

Horses and old mill

Early Saturday evening, we set off walking uphill to my art friend’s house.  Finding our usual path blocked, we went via an alternative route that my walking friend had told me about.  This proved to be a quick, if steep climb, affording fabulous views the length of the valley.  We came across pretty stiles and horses in front of the old mill.

We called for my art friend and went to her local pub, where we sat outside with a drink before retreating indoors for food.  

My partner rang a taxi to take us home but wasn’t convinced it would arrive.  Apparently, it was one of them ‘uber’ things; after ringing again, it eventually appeared.

Back in town we popped into the pub on the corner for a last pint.  My partner declared it full of knobs and I tended to agree. He had gone to the loo when a man addressed me with an inappropriate comment.  Whilst tempted to hit him myself. I refused to tell my partner what the man had said for fear of starting a fight.  We retired outside, drank up quick and went home. 

The night out made me very tired again.   Sunday was mainly dull and cloudy, but despite my fatigue and catching a bright sunny spell, I forced myself out early afternoon.  I planned to get plants on the Market but found only one stall which was too expensive.  Disappointed, I bought two plants from the grocers on the way back.  All my pots and hanging baskets needed replenishing and a couple of plants were nowhere near enough.  I spent the rest of the day working on draft blogs while my partner got his raspberry pi to work at last. 

It was hard work getting out of bed on the Monday morning.  I spent most of the day indoors, on housework and writing.  Later, despite being very tired again I forced myself outside.  I tidied around the door to discover that a planter had become totally waterlogged over winter thus killing a small shrub.  I put it in the sun to dry but did not hold out much hope.

On Tuesday I continued gardening and went to the hardware store for a garden spade.  They were outrageously expensive so I didn’t get one, but did buy a few plants.  I also bought a small wheelie case in a charity shop for a bargainous £2.50.  I asked in another charity shop about volunteering.  They gave me an application form and said they‘d given out nine recently but only had one returned.  As I sat in the sun later filling it in, I realised why – it was like a full-on job application, requesting information on previous experience, skills and referees.  I set it aside and returned to it later in the week.  I couldn’t find my CV and it took a while to remember my skills, having done nothing like it for ages.  My partner said “you have loads of skills”.  Nevertheless, it brought back unpleasant work memories. 

Wild boar piglets

The following day began with an ultra-cute picture of tiny wild boar piglets (half the height of a blade of grass!).  I had spent hours the previous evening cooking for my mum which I packed in my new wheelie case.

I caught a fast train to Manchester then had to wait ages for a connection.  When I got to mum’s I unpacked the food and stuck her lunch in the microwave straight away so she didn’t have time to say how hungry she was. 


After eating, I went into her back garden and tried to get her to join me.  She said it was too cold, despite it being a gorgeous afternoon.  She had a short rest then we walked up and down the road. 

When she whinged again about having no energy to do stuff, I said I felt the same and it was important to keep going: not wanting to do anything was not to do with being old, but depression.  She nodded but kept quiet.  We talked a bit about my late brother but then she decided she needed to go...

On the return journey, a connecting train stood at the adjoining platform so I jumped on.  Unfortunately, it stopped everywhere and seemed to take hours.  When I got home, I planned to sit out in the sun some more but I was so tired and it had become cloudy so I stayed in.  I reflected that I had been on the go all day; mum was tiring anyway and I missed my siesta.  No wonder I only managed to visit every few months!

My partner said he would be home early but this proved not to be the case.  He told me that it was due to staff briefings concerning the latest financial crisis overrunning.  He had nothing to report but people had kicked off, understandably.

I had a restless night.  It occurred to me that I was quite irritated with Mum.  As I mentioned, when we were talking about my late brother she had abruptly ‘needed to go’.  She had said that she wasn’t over it and I said: “I don’t think you ever do get over it. You just find ways of coping and carrying on”.  Later, I realised that she had not asked me how I felt or was coping.  I assumed the same was true for my siblings.  I recognised that she was elderly with health problems, but she spent so much time sitting around dwelling on her own problems and feelings all day.  Despite numerous attempts, I felt powerless to change the situation. 

That train of thought got me nowhere.  But it did make me reflect on my own position and whether there had been any progress of late.  I conducted a quick review:

·      I had not had any physical illness for over two months (touch wood)

·      I had got up every day no matter how crap I felt and kept busy with a range of activities

·      Nonetheless, my sleeping had worsened again, despite improvements earlier in the year

·      I had eschewed therapy for reasons I have explained before; but was my Philosophy of just living with the depression and getting on with it working?

I concluded that I just had to carry on.  I remembered that after my late brother died I said it had made me more determined to get on with life as we never know when something random will put an end to it.  But it did not get easier, hoping every day that I would start to feel better, stronger, less fatigued.  I realised that I hardly ever set time aside for this type of thinking during the day which could explain the random mind churning at night.

Eventually I did sleep but it was fitful and insufficient.  The next morning I told my partner how worm out I felt.  He sympathised but didn’t say much. 

I put director’s chairs outside to stop people parking and when my friend with the interesting ailments arrived we sat out with tea and cake.  I mentioned I needed some wood to fix planters.  She said she did too and she might get some crates off a neighbour (who burnt everything for a wood burner – the madness needed to stop!)  In fact, her project required bricks rather than wood and I located some going spare in the community garden later in the week.

Cherry blossom

That evening, I set off to meet my partner at the station, admiring the cherry blossoms en route.  We walked uphill and soon found ourselves amongst the fields and woods.  We spent time admiring pastoral scenes of shepherding and gambolling lambs before going through a tiny clough. Cute but very small.  

I became outraged to see someone had hacked down pussy willow trees and took some felled branches.  We then walked into town via the cycle path.  iii 

Shepherding in action

Even by my standards, it was a short walk.  After some deliberating, we went to the coaching inn for dinner.  Service was very slow and I commiserated with a couple who had waited ages to order food. 

We felt too tired to linger for a second pint.  I fell asleep fairly quickly that night then woke soon after with terrible hot flushes and tossed and turned.

While out shopping on the Friday morning, I saw our American friend and chatted about art.  She was planning a project during the arts festival and said she wanted my partner to do photos for her.

In the afternoon I visited my walking friend.  We talked about all sorts including politics, family (a bit too much on my part), walking, and plants.  She walked back down with me and looked at some of the plants we had been discussing. 

After spending the day at home, on Saturday evening we bussed to the outskirts of the big town for a benefit gig at a social club.  Our friend who used to live down the road had invited us to see her perform.  I was impressed!  The Next act was also one of our local musicians (I asked if all the acts were from our town).  Our friend came and talked with us a while before circulating.  Although it was a friendly place, I felt out of it not knowing anyone else.  We said goodbye to our friend and caught a bus back.  We considered having a drink in our old local before I spotted the ‘I’m voting UKip’ poster.  Instead, we went in the wine bar.  It was quite full and we perched on a table near the door.  A group of people were getting rather over-excited dancing to the northern soul disco.  They kept running round which got on my nerves. 

The next day, I rose early despite a severe lack of sleep; it was too bright outside, contrary to the recent weather forecast.  Ignoring the tiredness, hangover and aching limbs, we set off on a walk.

Duck family in mill pond

We followed the river path to the edge of the crags and climbed up a bridleway way on the edge of the dean.  We then headed down through woods to a bridge over the brook.  On the other side, we headed back on the edge of the clough.  The landscape changed every time we crossed a boundary; from a posh garden to bogs, to moorland, back to woodland, to industrial ruins, to pastoral.

Back home, I made a hearty ‘comfort’ dinner, complete with crumble using rhubarb I had grown myself. That night I slept for nine and a half hours - the longest for ages! 

I spent most of Monday on housework and blog drafting, but it was so sunny outside that I also took some time to sit in the garden.  I started weeding the long-neglected ‘rockery’.  I also, potted an onion, wild garlic bulbs and forsythia although I had no idea if any would flourish.  I felt very tired after all that, and the clouds were rolling in.

On Tuesday I did not go anywhere.  The weather became changeable and chilly.  When my partner left for work he found some window cleaners out on the street.  I elicited their services thus putting an end to a long search.

I reviewed my kids’ story and decided I was fed up waiting for others to contribute.  I prepared a submission and e-mailed it to one publisher.  Later in the week, I sent hard copies to two more publishers that accepted unsolicited material.

I spent ages trying to think what to write about myself (as with the voluntary work application).  It made my head ache and I considered not doing anything else constructive that day.  But then I reviewed my ‘words and pictures’ drafts and posted an entry in CP2.  The next day I posted another entry and declared my Venice posts complete. iv.

Wednesday afternoon, I went to aromatherapy and bought a raffle ticket on behalf of the Nepal earthquake.  In the afternoon I rested then practiced sketching.

The following day I needed to do errands in town.  I Dropped off my volunteer application form, went round the market and managed to purchase cheap plants at last! I then visited a couple of shops.  I saw four people during my travels whom I knew via various art classes, including a woman who was on the first course I ever did in 2012.  It made me realise that I had been going to art classes for three years!

In the afternoon, my friend with the interesting ailments arrived.  We got her the bricks out of the community garden.  She put four in her rucksack and I tried to help by putting some in the shopping trolley.  However, it collapsed so we put the rest of the bricks under the bench outside the house for her to collect later.  After she left, I felt exhausted from carrying bricks.   

In the evening I went to drawing class.  We began drawing with two pencils taped together which I quite liked.  People said my still life was ‘bold’ although I found concentrating for so long made my head hurt again.  I walked home with the two women who lived near me and learnt about a place called Wycoller, which sounded interesting.

That night, when I tried to sleep I failed.  My mind was too active.  I realised it was pointless trying to wheedle out a specific reason; after all, I had resolved to spend more time trying to clear my head during the daytime.  I accepted that it was just like that sometimes, usually after a stimulating experience such as art or socialising.  .  Although these things were good for me, they did make it hard to settle my brain later no matter what I tried.  Eventually I slept but woke several times during the night.  I therefore started May feeling very tired and wondered again was there ever going to be an end to it?

Old road with tree

i, ii, iii:  https://hepdenerose.wordpress.com/

iv:  https://hepdenerose2.wordpress.com/