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| Snowy landscape |
2015 started with a fairly
rubbish night – no doubt due to drinking too much. I spent New Year’s Day playing with my new
beads and leisurely cooking. We had
bought a brace of pheasants for the first time ever (which proved very
economical - four meals for a fiver!)
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| Impressive statue |
The next day was my walking
friends’ birthday. She and her companion
were walking over the tops to a nearby village and we arranged to meet them for
lunch. Not feeling up to such an arduous
ramble, we opted to get the bus. When we
alighted, it was windy and cold.
Thankfully, the village lay in a dip with some shelter.
What a strange enclave it
was. We wandered round the churchyard
with some impressive statues, and laughed
at a yard full of old, neglected classic
vehicles. We waited for our friends in
the local inn. When they arrived, I gave
her small birthday gifts. After lunch,
we got a taxi back to town and went in the pub round the corner for a couple of
pints.
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| Neglected tractor |
The Saturday was mainly taken
up with grocery shopping and housework.
I also started to write my traditional DVD review - ‘films watched 2014’
posted on Blogspoti
Sunday
was a gorgeous day – frosty and bright.
In the afternoon we chased the sun up the hill in what we call ‘our back
yard’ which I wrote about later in 'Cool Places'. This was to be the first of several entries on
my Worpdress blogs during the course of the
monthii.
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| Our back yard |
On
the way home, our American friend spotted us and we took up her offer of a lift
down the hill.
I told her about my
brother and she told us about her plans for 2015, which involved not drinking
and doing more art.
When
we got home, I was dead beat and collapsed on the sofa. In the evening I started reading the leaflet
for the SSRIs off the doctor.
I planned
to read it all to decide whether I would start the course the next day. However, the second paragraph talked about
‘abnormal heart rhythms’ and that was it – I was not going to take them.
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| Wintry graveyard |
My
Sunday nights reverted to type. No matter
how knackered I was, it took me ages to get to sleep. I still managed to get back to my normal routine
though.
As my partner returned to work
on the following Monday, so I returned to my usual activities. I did stretching exercises almost every morning,
yoga and meditation most afternoons, lots of housework and various writing
projects.
It took me until the Thursday
to write my ‘Memoirs’ blog for December due to the amount of editing involved. I also messaged a couple of friends with
small children who agreed to read my kids’ story. Later in the month, a neighbour and another
friend also agreed to read it.
On
the creative front, I signed up for a new drawing course and got back into playing
guitar. My chord changing became faster.
I learnt a few new songs from the ‘little black book’ I got for Christmas and played
games with ‘Rocksmith’ on the Xbox.
I
rang Mum and obviously she was still suffering following the recent
bereavement. I tried to encourage her to
become more active to take her mind off things, but as usual she had several
excuses for not doing so. I think I
upset her by saying I had now given up on trying to get her to do stuff.
On
Thursday I had aromatherapy which was nice as usual but my hair felt horrid
afterwards. When I got home I felt really
cold and tired. I went for a rest and had
quite a long sleep then just lay there looking at grey clouds scudding past the
window. This became a regular relaxation
technique. Sometimes, the sky appeared a
universal grey but as I kept looking, I would discern clouds of different greys
floating slowly and quietly across the skyline.
On
Friday morning we watched live news coverage of the chase and siege underway to
catch the Charlie Hebdo shootists. I got
bored watching not a lot going on - 90,000 police and army officers to catch two people
(Mon Dieu!) It ended in predictable
fashion at 4.00 p.m.
When
I went downstairs, there was a man staring in, right at me. He made a movement as if he was going to
knock on the door. Instead, he went to
the window, leaned on it and looked in as if he was casing the joint, then went
away. Most disconcerting. I looked outside but he had gone.
By
the end of the week, I felt very tired but as if I had achieved a lot. I had not been out of the house enough or seen
any friends but otherwise, I was quite pleased with myself.
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| Impromptu waterfall |
We
spent Saturday resetting and updating my phone, baking and eating. On the Sunday, we woke up late. It was still windy and looked grey but we needed
to get out. We went for a short walk along the canal, through the park and up
the cycle path, observing an impromptu
waterfall that had formed on the opposite river bank, interesting wintry tree
features including some very artistic bark and the abandoned containers. When it started raining, we retreated to town.
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| Artistic red bark |
I
had trouble getting to sleep again that night but reflected on all the positive
things I had already done since the start of the year, including all my writing
projects. I also thought about my
planned visit to the GP later in the week.
On the Monday morning, we were watching the PM
announce his plans for the next parliamentary term – they were all the same as
last time. My partner called politicians
‘lip flappers’ which was a good description as all they did was go “blah,
blah”.
I
spent the day drafting my blog for the first part of January and practiced guitar. I went back to ‘Andy Guitar’ for the next
lesson; songs in the key of G. Later in the week, I learnt ‘I wanna be
adored’ from my black songbook, also in the key of G and even had the courage
to play it to my partner as it was the first decent song I had learnt.
The
next day I set off on a mission to the big town. My partner caught the same train and we took
the piss out of the awful ‘bus train’ and Daily Mail weather warnings
(predicting The Day After Tomorrow-style scenarios as per usual). I raced round loads of shops then had a rest
on a soggy bench and ate the lunch I had taken with me. When I got home I was predictably knackered
and my arms ached from carrying bags.
Wednesday
morning brought a pretty snowy scene following a light dusting overnight. Then it snowed again with a brief white out,
but the sun appeared and started melting the snow straight away.
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| Snowy landscape with chimney |
After
some blog writing, I set off on a walk.
Unfortunately most of the snow had gone on our side of the valley, so I
climbed up a steep lane to take snaps of
the opposite hillside. I then walked
back down and visited a couple of shops.
I had thought I might visit the flea market but only two stalls had
bothered to set up so I gave it a miss.
I was texting my friend with the interesting ailments when I saw her
coming towards me. We had a brief chat
and confirmed her visit the next day.
In
the afternoon, I researched a couple of film companies and sent my film idea
off to one of them. The other appeared to be uncontactable without subscribing to
some knobby website so I gave that a miss.
The
following two nights when I couldn’t sleep, I lay listening to the wild wind, which
had a soporific effect. On Thursday
morning I slept in a bit late and felt quite befuddled. I was cleaning the bedroom when I became exhausted. My partner came in and made me jump which had
not happened for a while. It made me
realise I still had some PTSD symptoms.
In
the afternoon, my friend with the interesting ailments arrived for a chat. She told me about her recent family get
together and we said we would start swimming again in a couple of week’s
time.
That
evening, I went to the new drawing class.
It was quite good. The teacher actually taught and people seemed to genuinely
want to learn rather than show off. We
started drawing a still life then rotated round the room to draw on each others’. After a break, we did another drawing on our
own, ostensibly using our pencil to measure.
I walked back with two women who lived near me. When I got home, I felt very tired from all
the concentrating. I talked to my
partner about the class and showed him my drawings.
I
spent the next morning writing before
going to the doctors. I had decided to
keep the appointment even though I was not taking the SSRIs and had made some
notes about what I wanted to say. I told
her why I wasn’t taking the pills and tried again to get some advice and/or
referral to psychotherapy. All she could
suggest was referral to the same service I had accessed twice before. I explained again that I had done it all but
she said it was the only option and might be worth trying to see what else was
on offer. I realised that GPs wouldn’t
advocate any alternatives because they were unregulated. She agreed that it was a minefield and I was left still frustrated at not being
able to get proper, impartial advice from a mental health expert.
I
subsequently mused over the prospect of continuing my own research and possibly
campaigning on the issue. I got as far
as writing to our local prospective parliamentary candidates but was
discouraged by the stock responses (or no response at all) and decided I did
not have the energy. Since then, I have realised
that I actually cope with my depression quite well and can live with it, so
maybe I don’t need any external intervention.
When
I rang my Mum later we talked about how crap doctors were and the rubbish
services available for mental health but I pushed her to contact the Parkinson’s
nurse (which I had been telling her to do for months).
It
snowed on and off again on Friday and into the weekend but it was fairly soggy
and only settled a bit in the valley. We
decreed Saturday too cold and grey to go out.
My partner cut and dyed my hair. I then tried some new clothes on as I’d
had a spate of buying cheap stuff on-line in the sales. Most of it was summer garb and I hoped we
were going somewhere warmer soon.
My
sleeping improved and reached new heights of awesomeness on Saturday night –
almost six hours in one go! Sunday
morning started lovely and sunny and we decided to go for a walk.
By the time we were ready, the sky had turned
grey again and wet stuff was falling out of it which was a bit of a
bummer. We wrapped up warm and walked
onto the canal path.
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| Fairy woodland diorama |
I looked at the
diorama in the window of the ATC that I had missed the previous week – a fairy woodland scene that my partner
had managed to make look creepy on his
photos (reproduced here as it appeared to me). I saw a fellow student from last year’s art
class and had a chat about drawing and writing.
She said she would like to read my kid’s story.
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| Tiny snowy world |
We
then walked into town. We saw an old pub
mate and followed her into a charity shop.
She was off to Thailand and looking for clothes to take. Everything was half price for the day and we all
bought something. I then suggested a pub
lunch. My partner said I had to go for a
walk first even though it was freezing cold and showering again (albeit
lightly).
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| Snowy swamp |
We proceeded upwards, pausing to admire views and tiny snowy worlds of moss and into the small woods which looked like a snowy swamp. My partner
crossed onto the island but I didn’t trust my shoes to be waterproof and
chickened out. We started walking back
via a small bridge and up paths the other side that we had not tried
before.
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| Hovering kestrel |
After a steep climb, we came back
out onto the road and spotted a kestrel
hovering above.
When
we returned to town, I was allowed to go to the coaching Inn for food – hurray! We saw a couple of friends with some other
people and left them to it. They came over
for a brief chat on their way out and gave me a hug. After eating lunch and drinking one pint, we
felt sleepy. We had considered going for
another drink but decided against it and went home for coffee instead. That night I had a lovely long sleep again –
twice in a row!
The
third week of January started well. I
wrote loads for my blogs and posted two entries in ‘Cool Places 2’. I also went to the library and analysed kids’
books to compare them to my story and started a storyboard so we could match
illustrations to the words.
On
Tuesday night my sleeping reverted to type. I concentrated on the sounds of the river (or
was it snow?) to relax. The next morning
it snowed again and hardly let up all day. It was nice powdery stuff for a
change but it was very cold and grey outside so I eschewed the prospect of a
walk in favour of writing and practicing sketching. I also uploaded some photos to Pinterest and
Flickr and improved some links on social media.
In
the afternoon, I had an aromatherapy appointment. The snow had started to melt making it slushy
and trickier to walk on. Later, it
started snowing properly again. The
aromatherapist worked on my sore
shoulder a lot. Although painful I
reckoned it was worth enduring for a good cause. But it still felt very sore the next day.
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| Skinny Snowman and friend |
On
Thursday I ignored my pain and carried on with household chores and
shopping. On the way to the market, I
took photos of amusing snowmen including
a very skinny one down our street.
In
the evening I went to the drawing
class. On the way, I saw my friend who
used to live on the street below. She
was off to a governors’ meeting and I told her she never had any fun. (She had again cancelled a meet up on her day
off as she was so busy). She agreed and suggested going to the pub soon.
At
the session, we did ‘continuous drawing’ and were encouraged to look at
‘negative spaces’. My first effort was terrible
as the proportions were all wrong. I
asked the tutor to demonstrate the technique before we had another go and my
second attempt was slightly better. In
the break I chatted to a new woman who had just moved to Halifax and I again
walked back with the two women who lived near me.
When
I got home, my partner told me a funny tale about the silly boy at work being
grifted by a woman he thought was his girlfriend. As it turned out, she was part of a gang
(cruel but hard not to laugh). He had
been doing some holiday research and he got me involved checking out hotels in
Venice. I said it was a bit late in the
evening to think and I also started to feel unwell. At bedtime, I took aspirin and rubbed my neck
with balm. When I tried to sleep, my
throat felt scratchy. Eventually I slept
but thought I was still awake which was very annoying.
After
extensive research, we finally booked a holiday on Friday morning - a hotel in
Venice that got rave reviews. However,
there were some issues with it which took a lot of our time to sort out over
the following days. (When will we learn
not to use those bucket websites?)
Firstly,
the booking did not include a baggage allowance even though I was sure we had
added it. It took the holiday company a
whole day to return our calls. In the
meantime, we had managed to sort it out by contacting the airline direct,
albeit then being put through to another third party company that we had apparently
booked the holiday with. We then did not
receive confirmation of the addition and had to chase the airline to get it.
Secondly,
they had not given us the proper airline booking code. I sent a feedback message asking for one so I
could provide API. When the holiday
company finally rang us back, they insisted they had given us the flight reference
and told us to go through another website to add our API details. When we tried this, it didn’t work. Eventually, a sensible woman at the airline
company did it for us. She also sent us a flight reference, but when I went on
the website to check everything was okay, it said the details were
invalid.
Thirdly,
we thought breakfast was included but this turned out not
to be the case. I e-mailed the hotel and
they replied that we could choose whether to have breakfast each day.
Over
the weekend, I felt progressively worse and realised the dreaded sinusitis had
returned. I got up on Saturday but on Sunday
I stayed in bed and remained there at the start of the following week.
On
Tuesday I thought I was getting better but still felt dizzy and had a foggy
head. When doing meditation in the afternoon, I went into a weird
semi-conscious state. Wednesday started
very blowy with more ‘wintry showers’ later on.
I continued to improve but still felt feeble and fatigued. I researched some kid’s book publishers and my
partner showed me a drawing of a juvenile crow for my kid’s story – it was
getting there.
In
the evening he was stuck on a slow train.
When he got home, we listened to the wacky weather outside and remarked
on what we called ‘thundersnow’ (I later
found out this was actually a thing). This
resulted in another crap dusting of snow the following morning. My partner helped me clean the bedroom as it was
too much for me on my own. The physical effort rendered me exhausted. I stayed in my pyjamas for the rest of the
day. I wrote an entry in Cool Places (which received several ‘likes’
from actual photographers).
I
did not feel up to attending my evening drawing class. We watched QT and laughed at some silly bint who
was apparently an historian but thought the Elizabethan era was in the middle
ages! She also couldn’t pronounce
‘Renege’. I went on twitter to comment
but then lost the will.
The
next day was lovely and sunny for the first time in ages. I prevaricated about going shopping. My
partner had eaten all the bread (I accused him of being greedy until he pointed
out that I had told him he was too skinny and his rings kept falling off his
fingers Рtouch̩). I dragged myself out
to the supermarket and of course I was knackered when I got home.
We
spent most of Saturday doing chores, cooking and baking. I no longer felt infected and reflected that
a new approach to physical illness I adopted at the start of the year was maybe
working; I saw it as a blip and tried not to sink deeper into depression,
instead being determined to carry on with my positive activities.
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| Abandoned container with art and moss |
i
http://maryc1000.blogspot.co.uk/
